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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ''Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?'' he yelled.

No one answered.

''all right, I'm gonna have anotha' beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I done in texas!''

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?''

The cowboy turned back and said, ''I had to walk home.''

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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard ...

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:

"He lives in a home with ten children -- He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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A man owned a small farm in Iowa...

The Iowa State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper

wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years".

"I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board".

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board".

"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here".

"He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night".

"He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl

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Rules of Etiquette When the Power is Out Due to an Ice Storm
  • All clothing rules such as matching and ironing are null and void during a power outage and it is extremely rude to point out that navy blue pants, black shoes and a dark gray t-shirt don't really go together. Everything matches when it's pitch black in side your closet and nothing looks wrinkled in the dark.
  • If you are fortunate enough to have power, you should not fix your hair until all of your co-workers also have power. Nothing is more irritating to those of us with flat, straight hair than to sit next to Miss Bouncy Hair who had the advantage of a working hair dryer, curling iron, and hot rollers in a heated bathroom.
  • If your power comes back on but your neighbor’s has not, it is in very poor taste to turn on all 100,000 of your outdoor Christmas lights. Give it a rest. We are sitting in the dark burning our last remaining candle and the glow of your Christmas lights across the street is not giving us a warm, fuzzy feeling.
  • If you have power, don't ask the have-nots "Did you see the news last night?" or "Did you watch Law and Order? It was the best show ever."
  • Don't call in to work to say you're running a few minutes late because the homemade cookies in your oven are not quite done. And don't come to work without at least 2 dozen of them.
  • You power (P) people stop telling us non-power (NP) people to stay warm. What don't you understand about "WE DON'T HAVE POWER". There is no way to stay warm!
  • Don't be asking "What's that smell" when you are sitting next to a non-power person. Showers are a luxury that the NP's do not have unless one of you P's wants to give us access to yours.

Submitted by Paul, in icebound, Oklahoma City, OK

Mike's note:  Having just spent three days without power, I've a few other items to add:

If you have the foresight to have a portable generator and live in the county ...

  • Don't tell your wife you're truing it off at 11 pm to 'give it a rest' ... tell her the manufacture requires it to be shutdown for 6 hours every 18 hours.
  • Have a video of Green Acres in standby ... give it to your wife when she asks why she can't run the dryer, dishwasher and TV at the same time.  Don't try to do it yourself.
  • Don't ask your wife not to take a Cinderella shower to prevent unnecessary cycling of the water pump.  Instead use the opportunity while she's in the shower to turn everything off she turned on while you were out resetting the generators' breaker.

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A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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More Automobile Acronyms

GM: General Maintenance


  • Garage Man’s Companion
  • Got A Mechanic Coming?


  • Had One, Never Did Again
  • Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else


  • Hope You Understand Nothing`s Dr And Inexpensive
  • MAZDA: Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along


  • Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
  • Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment


  • Send Another Automobile Back
  • Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA: Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW: Virtually Worthless

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Test your math!!!
  • There is a bus with 7 Girls
  • Each girl carries 7 bags
  • Inside each bag there is 7 cats
  • Every cat has 7 kittens
  • All cats have 4 legs each

Question: How many legs are in the bus?

*The number of legs will be your password for the attachment. If you succeed in opening the file make sure you write your name, that will  prove you did your math correctly.  Then pass it on!

Download attachment

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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Funny Signs
  • In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
  • In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
  • In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
  • In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
  • On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"
  • Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
  • In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
  • In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

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A man arrives at the theater to see the latest production...

... only to learn that it is completely sold out. He finds an usher and pleads with him,

"You must help me, I am a HUGE theater fan. I've been to every opening night performance at this theater for twenty years. I can't bear to miss this play, is there any possible way you can find me a seat?"

The usher says he'll see what he can do.

A few minutes later the usher returns and tells the man he has found him a vacant seat. He leads him inside the theater to be seated.

A few moments later the man is waving for the usher again.

He whispers to the usher, "This play is a mystery, and I love mysteries. But I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher manages once again to find the man a seat, this time in the second row. As he seats him, the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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School Best Sellers
  • Walking To School The First Day Back - by Misty Bus
  • The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me - by I. Rhoda Bike
  • Can't See The Chalkboard - by Sidney Backrow
  • Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School - by Major Crackupp
  • What I Dislike About Returning To School - by Mona Lott
  • Making It Through The First Week Of School - by Gladys Saturday
  • Is Life Over When Summer Ends? - by Midas Welbee
  • What I Love About Returning To School - by I.M. Kidding
  • Will Jimmy Finally Graduate? - by I. Betty Wont
  • What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School - by U. Will Gettitt

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I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month...

... when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow.

All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked the old man, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes,"? said the old man.  "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks the old man: "this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

?"Yes,"? said the old ma.  "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

The old man thinks for a few moments then says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Once upon a time, there was a prince who, through no fault of his own...

... was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)

One day, he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.

At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking.

Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. A little girl was softly sobbing.

"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to prick my finger till it bleeds," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town...

... and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."

Unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

 Everyone loved it.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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During a airline flight a Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "Man!! And all these years I've been chewing gum.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer.

In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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One of the world's greatest scientists was also the original absent-minded professor.

One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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A young blonde man volunteered for military service during World War II.

Despite being blonde, he had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.

Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum...

All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria" - and singing it beautifully.

Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor.

"I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What are they called?"

"It's - The Moron Tap-an-Apple Choir"

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.

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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals...

... kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... Walked home... And left it there all night.

You Gotta love George.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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A Northern couple was visiting the deep south had stopped along a dark back road for a rest.

All at once there was a tapping on the window. The women screamed "I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!" Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window.

The husband stared the car and shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was doing 60 miles and hour.

"Step on it!" shrieked the wife, "He's still out there!" And sure enough, there was another tapping at the window.

The husband shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing ninety (90) miles an hour.

Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window.

"You better giver 'er some more gas!" "He's still out there."

"I can't go any faster, I've got her up to 120 miles an hour.

About that time the redneck motioned for the passenger to roll the window down, which he did.

"Say!" "I was wanting to know, do you need a shove to get out of this mud hole?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England 

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A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party...

The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."

"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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