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A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:

"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A travel agent looked up from his desk and saw an older lady and an older gentleman...

... peering into the shop window, where there were posters of glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week, and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop.

"I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off!

About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency.

"And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Dallas Theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy,

"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient:

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked,

"All right buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where y'all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle,

Sam replied,

"The balcony."

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed

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Real Notes to Rural Milkmen
  • "My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."
  • "Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."
  • "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."
  • "From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."
  • "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table , because we want to play bingo tonight."
  • "Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday...or is it today ?"
  • "When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk."
  • "No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."

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A man thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive.

His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive.

Nothing seemed to work.

Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.

"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, I do," the patient replied.

"Very well, then," the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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How to Install a Home Security System
  1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
  2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
  3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
  4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

P.S. - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, MD.

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Pilot And Ground Crew Communications

Naval Aviator: 

On a carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer ("Shooter") who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger above his head.. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy / Marine tradition of asking permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.

Air Force Pilot :

We've all seen Air Force pilots at the air force base look up just before taxiing for takeoff and the ground crew waits until the pilot's thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his ass.

Army Aviator:

If you've ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you will note that the pilot gives the ground guy a thumbs up before he is given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to show the ground crewman that the pilot indeed knows which direction is up.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL

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A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree.

Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow. "Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.

"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."

"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely.

"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree... ...and then I paint the target around it."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges.

On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party. 
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy ...

... arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days.

Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail.

Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave."

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me."

Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.

So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!"

Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago ...

... and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, "Mush! Mush!"

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes.

Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!"

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!"

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "YOU'RE lost?!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Sam went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift home.

His own car was off the road being serviced. "Sure," said Morry, "I'll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside."

As they're driving along, Sam says, "Morry, what's that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?"

"That's my digital clock."

A few minutes later, Sam asks, "And what's that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?"

"That's my tachometer," says Morry.

Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts to ask, "But what's that...."

"Hold on a minute, Sam," says Morry, "I can see you've never been in a Rolls Royce before."

"Never in the front seat." says Sam.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island....

... who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

Submitted by Ray, King Of Prussia, Pa.

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On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the airport...

... they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said,

"If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident ...

... except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.

It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we

got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. 

He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. 

Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man.  "Shine the mirror on the top of the water.  The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface.  Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow!  Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror?  I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

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Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, 'Boy was my wife mad at me last night. She went on and on and wouldn't stop!'

The other Buddy says, 'When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.'

'How do you do that?' says the other.

'It's easy! I turn off the light!'

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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