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Two blondes were talking and one couldn't help but notice how pretty and beautiful the other's skin was. 

So she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful.

"Well, once a week I fill a bathtub up with milk and just soak in it."

So the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like to buy a lot of milk."

"How much?" asked the farmer.

"Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."

He asked, "Pasturized?"

"No, just up to my shoulders"

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.
  

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A blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she cut and dyed her air. 

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!" The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

Submitted by Tom, Fairfield, Pa.
  

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Didíja Hear 'Bout The Blonde That Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope
  • Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
  • Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.
  • Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years".
  • Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
  • Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
  • When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C"
  • Burnt her nose bobbing for French fries.
  • Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
  • Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
  • Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel
  • Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
  • Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds".
  • After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
  • What goes vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc? A blonde at a flashing red light.
  • Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down."

Submitted by Larry; Bethesda, Md.
  

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A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. 

She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. 

She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything.

Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"

The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
  

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A blonde walks into a beauty salon with headphones on to get a haircut.

The hairdresser asks her to take them off for the haircut and the blonde replies, "I can't, I'll die." The hairdresser proceeds to cut her hair and it looks awful.

Six weeks later the same blonde comes in for another haircut. The hairdresser pleads with her, "Please take your headphones off - I can make your hair look beautiful." Once again the blonde replies, "I can't, I'll die." So she receives another awful haircut.

Six weeks later the blonde show up at the salon and once again the hairdresser says, "Please take your headphones off - I can make your hair beautiful if you would just take off the headphones." "I can't, I'll die."

The hairdresser proceeds to cut her hair. While doing so the blonde falls asleep.

The hairdresser quickly thinks to herself - I will remove the headphones and replace them before she wakes up. I'll make her hair beautiful. Seconds after doing this the blonde falls off the chair. The hairdresser checks her and finds she isn't breathing.

Having to know what was keeping her alive with the headphones on, she places them on her head. She hears, "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breath out."

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.
  

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A blonde woman named Holly finds herself in dire trouble. 

Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me.

I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and she does not win. Holly again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car." Lotto night comes and Holly still has no luck. Once again, she pray's... " Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me??

I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Holly is confronted by the voice of God himself...

"Holly , work with me on this........... Buy a ticket."
  

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The Blonde and the Snowstorm

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. 

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snowplow went by and she started to follow it. As she follows the snowplow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard. 

The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

Submitted by Paul, Middleburg, Va.
 

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Blonde secretary's memo to her boss on Y2K Compliance:

To: My Boss
From: Blondie

Subject: Changing calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me.

At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant.
 

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Three blondes had just bought a can of Pepsi One . . .

. . .  and were anxious to try it for the first time.

So the first blonde opens the can, the second blonde pours it into three glasses.

The third blonde eyes the three glasses suspiciously and says "I wonder which one has the calorie?"
  

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A blond went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
 

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs . . .

. . . and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your

kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

Submitted by Wink, New York, NY
 

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More Blond One Liners
  • The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"  The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
     
  • A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
     
  • A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."  Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
  • A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.  The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun.

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

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I knew a blonde that was so stupid that ...
  • she called me to get my phone number.
  • she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
  • she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
  • she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
  • she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
  • she tried to put M&M' s in alphabetical order.
  • she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
  • she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
  • she tried to drown a fish.
  • she thought a quarterback was a refund.
  • she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
  • if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
  • they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
  • under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
  • she tripped over a cordless phone.
  • she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
  • at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put Sagittarius."
  • she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
  • it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
  • if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
  • she studied for a blood test.
  • she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
  • she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
  • she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
  • she sold the car for gas money.
  • when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
  • when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
  • she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
  • when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
  • when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

Submitted by Alicia, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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This blond girl decides to buy some horses.

She Gets 2 but there is a problem since she cannot tell them apart. She goes to see a horse trainer and asks him how she can tell the difference between the 2 horses. The trainer thinks and then tells her she can cut the tail of one of her horses and then she would be able to tell them apart. So the blond does

that and for the rest of the day she is able to tell which horse is which. When she

come back the next day the other horse got its tail caught on a fence and had torn of half of its tail. Again the blond couldn't tell them apart! She goes to see the trainer again and he tells her to just knick a bit of the ear of one of her horses. She goes back home and does that, and again for the rest of the day she can tell them apart. When she goes back to the barn she notices that both the horses have pieces of ears missing cause one of

them bit it off. Again she goes back to the trainer and this time he find a fool proof way to tell the horses apart. He tell her to check the height of the horses, that maybe one is bigger than the other. She goes back home and measures her horse and find that again the trainer is right. The black horse is 3 inches taller than the white one!!!!

Submitted by Karen, Finksburg, Md.
 

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More blond one Liners
  • The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
    A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?
    " She says, "Why, officer?"
    "Because your breast is exposed."
    "Oh. my God", says the blond. "I left the baby on the bus!"
     
  • A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?" The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."
     
  • Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

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A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training . . .

. . . to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!!

Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar . . .

. . .He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 lb., and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 lb., and she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The guy thinks about it a second and says, "Nahh...not if I'm going to have to explain it three times.

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.

Go to page 3 of Blond Jokes

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