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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.

After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

"What on earth do you mean???"

"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news.

The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump.

"The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.

The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."

"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

Submitted by Marion, Havertown, Pa.

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The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady came in and asked for a seven ten cap. 

We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten but no, she said its a Buick. "OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

"What does it do?," we asked. She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."

One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it ... and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics.

One guy said, "I think you want an oil cap." She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so damned funny about it."

Yes, she was a blonde.

Note: If you read "710" upside down.... it is spells OIL!!

Submitted by our good friend Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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Jay and his blonde wife live in Chicago.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Jay's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out.

Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

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Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix . . .

. . . the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed."

There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry . . .we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another hour. But don't worry... we still have one engine left."

Sherry, a young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and sighed, ......."If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Submitted by Kate, San Francesco, Calif.

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A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana.

They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."

She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: 'Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer'."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word."

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable," replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

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Best Blond One-liners for 2001
  • What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
  • What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but never see them.
  • What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.
  • Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
  • Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
  • How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.
  • What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
  • How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer? There is white-out all over the monitor.
  • Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
  • A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Where you ever a Blonde?" "Yes I was." she replies. "why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"
  • A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, where?"
  • A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21" A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21" Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle and jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The Brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail , counting "22" "22" "22"
  • How do you drown a Blonde? Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool. 
  • Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one. You have to hollow out the head.
  • How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
  • Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
  • Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for Winter".
  • Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
  • A Blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "No,can't you see I'm winning?!"
  • Two blondes were walking through the woods and they upon some tracks. The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No they look like moose tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.
  • Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!"
  • A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut're next!"
  • Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
  • What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training.
  • What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
  • Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. 
  • How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Submitted by Kate, San Francisco, Ca.

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On a famous TV game show A BLONDE contestant needed only to answer one more question.

One simple question stood between her and ONE MILLION DOLLARS! "To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."

The contestant, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"

The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"

"You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

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A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes.

They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts even more loudly in chant.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in just 51 days!"

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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. 

She tells the mechanic, "It died."

After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says: "What's the story?"

He replies: "Just crap in the carburetor."

She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

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Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. 

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

Submitted by Marion, Haverford, Pa.

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Brunette Jokes: Aka the Revenge of the Blondes!
  • What's Black and Blue and Brown and Lying in a Ditch? A Brunette Who's Told Too Many Blonde Jokes.
  • What Do You Call Going on a Blind Date with a Brunette? Brown-bagging It.
  • What's the Real Reason a Brunette Keeps Her Figure? No One Else Wants It.
  • Why Are So Many Blonde Jokes One-liners? So Brunettes Can Remember Them.
  • What Do You Call a Brunette in a Room Full of Blondes? Invisible
  • Why Didn't Indians Scalp Brunettes? The Hair from a Buffalo's Butt Was More Manageable.
  • Why Is Brunette Considered an Evil Color? When Was the Last Time You Saw a Blonde Witch?
  • What Do Brunettes Miss Most about a Great Party? The Invitation
  • What Do You Call a Good Looking Man with a Brunette? A Hostage
  • Who Makes Bras for Brunettes? Fisher-price
  • Why Are Brunettes So Proud of Their Hair? It Matches Their Mustache.

Submitted by Kate, San Francisco, Calif.

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again; opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. 

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" 

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Submitted By Larry, Bethesda, Md.

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Little know blond inventions . . .
  • The water-proof towel
  • Solar powered flashlight
  • Submarine screen door
  • A book on how to read
  • Inflatable dart board
  • A dictionary index
  • Ejector seat in a helicopter
  • Powdered water
  • Pedal-powered wheel chair
  • Water-proof tea bag

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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On a plane bound for New York a flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section . . .

. . . and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Submitted by Kate, San Francisco, Calif

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A blonde was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. 

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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A blonde walks up to a coke machine, puts a dollar in, presses the button, a can comes out, she says "wow!". 

So she puts another dollar in, presses the button and another can comes out. She keeps doing this over and over again.

Soon enough there are about 30 cans all stacked around her.

A guy comes up to her and says "Ah miss, can I please use the can machine"

And the blonde replies "No! I'm winning!!!"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race...

The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

Submitted by Tom, Fairfield, Pa.

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A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a really bad hail storm. 

The hail stones were as big as golf balls, and her car got dented up really bad. The next day, she took her car into a repair shop to have the dents examined. The repairman, noticing that she was blonde and quite dingy when she spoke, decided to have some fun.

He told her to blow into the tailpipe of the car really hard when she got home, as this would cause all of the dents to pop out. When she got home, she started blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could, over and over. Just then, her best friend, also blonde, showed up.

Her friend saw her blowing into the tailpipe and was quite startled by the action. She blurted out, "What are you doing!?"

The first blonde told her the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe real hard so that the dents would pop out.

Her girlfriend said, "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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An attractive blond from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. 

An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the blond, " I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback........"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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