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A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.

The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"

The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat.

Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag.
When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse.

"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Haircuts: men & women's' versions

Women's version:

  • Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
  • Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
  • Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
  • Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
  • Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
  • Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

  • Man2: Haircut?
  • Man1: Yeah.

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The International Rules of Manhood:
  • Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
  • It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
    • When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    • After wrecking your boss's car.
  • Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
  • Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
  • If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
  • Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
  • No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
  • On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
  • When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
  • It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
  • Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
  • Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
  • If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
  • Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
  • A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
  • Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
  • If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
  • Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
  • It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
  • Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. Especially Mini-vans
  • The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
  • There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
  • Never, under any circumstances shall a man clean - unless he is being paid to do so.
  • Never, under any circumstances shall a married man cook - unless he is being paid to do so

We hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

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Because I'm a man ...

... when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

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First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing  ...

Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A middle aged man was visibly shaken when his doctor told him ..

... that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up.

The doctor suggested that he should get his 'house in order', make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral.

He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

'What will you do for the last six months?' asked the doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, 'I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law'.

Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, 'of all people, why in the would you want to live with your mother-in-law?'

'Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!'

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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When a woman wears leather clothing ...

A man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

Because she smells like a new truck.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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Why Do Men Die First?
  • If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race... you're a male chauvinist.
  • If you stay home and do the housework... you're a poofter.
  • If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.
  • If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing lazy prick.
  • If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is exploitation.
  • If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you should get off your lazy ass and find something better.
  • If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favouritism.
  • If she gets a job ahead of you... its equal opportunity.
  • If you mention how nice she looks.... its sexual harassment.
  • If you keep quiet... it's male indifference.
  • If you cry... you're a wimp.
  • If you don't... you're an insensitive bastard.
  • If you make a decision without consulting her... you're a chauvinist.
  • If she makes a decision without consulting you... she's a liberated woman.
  • If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy... that's domination.
  • If SHE asks you... it's a favor.
  • If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear... you're a pervert.
  • If you don't... you're gay.
  • If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape... you're sexist.
  • If you don't... you're unromantic.
  • If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain.
  • If you don't... you're a slob.
  • If you buy her flowers... you're after something.
  • If you don't... you're not thoughtful.
  • If she has a headache... she's tired.
  • If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.
  • If you want it too often... you're oversexed.
  • If you don't... there must be someone else.

Men Die First Because They Want To!

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Why the Army should take only men over 35 ....

If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.

You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters: 

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give"

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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One day, while a woodcutter was cutting the branch of a tree hanging over a river ...

..., his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down a third time and came up with an iron axe. Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife?" asked the Lord.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is not the truth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord, it is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me.

Lord, I am a poor man, and I'm not able to take care of three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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One morning after she woke up from sleeping all night, a woman told her husband ...

... "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary today. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he replied.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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What is a Cat?
  1. Cats do what they want.
  2. They rarely listen to you.
  3. They're totally unpredictable.
  4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
  5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
  7. They're moody.
  8. They leave hair everywhere.


They're tiny women in little fur coats.

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Why Airplanes Are Easier to Live with than Women:
  • Airplanes usually kill you quickly whereas a woman takes her time.
  • Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
  • Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.
  • Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.
  • Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
  • Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
  • Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
  • Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
  • Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
  • Airplanes expect to be tied down.
  • Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
  • Airplanes aren't pregnant when they're late.
  • Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

However, just like women, airplanes are expensive to operate and it usually means trouble if they suddenly go quiet.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

Go to page 6 of Jokes About Women

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