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"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said.

"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.

"What did you steal?" the judge asked.

"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.

"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.

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A Few More Summer Courses for Women

Class 14—Going It Alone---Class will be taught how to be able to go in to a public bathroom without an escort or friend. Three Weeks, meets in bathroom lobby for one hour each.

Class 15—Slotted or Phillips---Class will be taught the difference between the several types of screwdrivers just by looking at the screw itself. Four weeks, meets for one hour each at hardware store

Class 16—Accentuate your Memory---Class members will learn the names of all of their children, and be able to say the correct name when the child is doing something naughty.

Two weeks, meets for two hours each at Baskin Robbins.

Class 17—Restaurant Tipping Course---Members will lean the proper use of a calculator to figure out and divide the guest check, and to determine the correct tip to the waitress. Two Weeks, three hours each plus free calculator (because all of them have misplaced theirs’)—at local Hardees.

Class 18---The Recycling Bin—Teaches class which garbage items can be recycled and which cannot. Eight week course, five hours each week complete with garbologist (garbage scientist).

Class 19---Picking Up the back yard---Teaches the technique of collecting all kinds of dog crap, where to put it, and how to quickly do it before husband gets the mower and runs over it anyway. One hour for five weeks at the fertilizer store.

Class 20---Telling The Cat Who Is Boss—Teaches the wife how to coexist with her husband’s cat. Six hours course, one day. Need to bring the cat in a cage. Bandages and first aid included.

Class 21---Handling the bank drive-up ­Teaches the fastest way to put money into the drive up, getting it back, rearranging purse so keys, lipstick, drivers license and other items can quickly be put away before proceeding without delaying the twenty people in line behind you.---Ten week course. Special purse provided, 3 hours per class.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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Summer Classes for Women...

Note: Due to the Complexity and Difficulty Level of Their Contents, Class Sizes Will Be Limited to 8 Participants Maximum.

  • Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
  • Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Complaining About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
  • Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
  • Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
  • Class 5 Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
  • Class 6 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
  • Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
  • Class 8 I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
  • Class 9 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
  • Class 10 Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
  • Class 11 How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
  • Class 12 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
  • Class 13 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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A man came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week...

... and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

The man sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the train station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river. Look, my suit is still damp. Then I ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas.

She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know. Why don't you play your age?" Then he walked away.

Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she alright?"

The roulette wheel operator replied, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, she just fainted!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Dieting Rules
  • If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  • If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
  • When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.
  • Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
  • If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  • Movie-related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.
  • Cookie pieces contain no calories ­ the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
  • Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
  • Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
  • Anything consumed while standing over the kitchen sink, has no calories.

Submitted by Barb, Lancaster, Pa.

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Why Men Stay Relaxed, Have Time for the Important Things in Life
  • They never have to decide what to wear.
  • A pair of trousers is a pair of trousers, a shirt is a shirt, socks are socks.
  • Shoes or sneakers, that's a decision. Two seconds.
  • Hair is hair. You get it cut, you wash, dry and comb it. Finito. The colour and quantity change with time. That's how things are.
  • A face is a face. It needs shaving, washing, and drying, probably once a day. It's sometimes hard to recognize in the mirror, but if it reminds you of you, it probably is. It does not need a makeover.
  • Sweat is sweat. All the powders and creams in creation are not going to change that. Getting used to that fact happened a long time ago.
  • Eating food is a necessity. Eating nice tasting food is good, but nothing to get fussed over. Candles, champagne, bread sticks make us suspicious.
  • Shopping can be fun, during summer when chicks wear shorts. Otherwise it's another necessity. Get what you need, get out of there, get to the important things.

And these are?

  • Arguing with your mates over who's going to win the next game. Or be premiers, or champion.
  • Deciding who has to go for more beer.
  • Deciding the best lottery numbers.
  • Giving as much bull as you get.
  • Swapping new excuses.
  • Saving money for the hundreds of other important things.

This is time well spent. It's something women will never understand. It's the reason they go through life jittery and hyper-active - with all the decisions they have to make, all the time they take to make them, all their angst over how other women look, they just don't know how to relax. Or fetch the beer.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love.

"I thought I was in love three times," Bill says.

"Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?"

"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says.

"Wasn't that love?" Steve asks.

"No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."

"Wasn't that love?" asks Steve.

"No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve.

"No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA

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How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmer as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on a farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmer explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England 

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Things a male must remember over the course of his life
  • 3-10 years: Make sure the lid is UP
  • 11-12: Never put your underpants on backwards
  • 13-15: Always examine the razor for signs of other use
  • 16-18: The top of the street directory is always north.
  • 19-22 Smile at the other person in your life, even if they are totally, disastrously wrong. Then shut up.
  • 23-50 Maintain an up-to-date list of your partner's friends, workmates, contacts, Always carry it with you. Cross check every new acquaintance. Your life may depend of telling them the right story.
  • 50+: Always let your hard won wisdom shine forth. Take no crap from anyone.

Submitted by my good friend Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia!

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Three Women were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first woman prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! ...God gave her big arms and strong legs and she was able to swim Across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second woman prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof! ... God gave her a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and she was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two women, the third woman prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'

Poof! ... She was turned into a man. he checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your husband told you to!'

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Tips for us ladies in year 2008
  • Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
  • If the shoe fits - buy one in every color.
  • Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila
  • In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
  • Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
  • When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
  • Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality.
  • I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
  • Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
  • Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.
  • When life gives you lemons in 2008 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
  • Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else's ex boyfriend!

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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A minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: 'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were still hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't shut up.'

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Sven was out shopping when he met his friend Ole outside the jewelers.

Ole noticed that Sven had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. "So vat have you just purchased Sven?" Ole asks.

"Vell, now that you've asked," replies Sven, "it's time to buy my Lena's Christmas present and ven I asked her this morning vat she vanted for Christmas she said, 'Oh, I don't know, dear, yust give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'"

"So vat did you get her?" Ole asks.

Sven replied, smiling proudly, "I bought her a deck of cards."

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed

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A guy comes home from work and over dinner asks his wife...

... “Oh, by the way, have you heard the story about the dirty window?”

“No,” she says, “what about it?”

“Oh, there’s no point in telling you, you wouldn’t see through it anyway.”

She looked quite put out for a few moments, but then the light dawned. “Oh! That’s really good. I can’t wait to tell the girls at bridge tomorrow.”

So as they sit down at Federation square she says to the other thee women at her table, “Now let’s see. Have you heard about…” she pauses as she tries to remember, “…about the window you can’t see through?”

“No,” they chorus, “What about it?”

“Oh, you wouldn’t get it anyway. It’s too dirty to tell.”

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Five Rules for Men to Follow to a Happy Life:
  1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
  2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
  3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
  4. It's important to have a woman, who you can curl up with and who likes to be with you.
  5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a marriage with equal roles...
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"

Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"

Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached.? Here, my love, enjoy!" Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

  1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
  2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
  3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  4. A dog's parents never visit.
  5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
  7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
  8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
  9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
  11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
  12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
  13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
  14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

  15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL

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How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.
  • Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
  • Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
  • How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
  • How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
  • Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
  • If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
  • What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
  • I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  • Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called the Wedding Cake.
  • Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.
  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  • In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Florida

Go to page 7 of Jokes About Women

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