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Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love.
"I thought I was in love three times," Bill says.
"Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?"
"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says.
"Wasn't that love?" Steve asks.
"No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."
"Wasn't that love?" asks Steve.
"No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super
sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."
"Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve.
"No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA
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How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged
farmer as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on a farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room.
She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmer explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Things a male must remember over the course of his life
- 3-10 years: Make sure the lid is UP
- 11-12: Never put your underpants on backwards
- 13-15: Always examine the razor for signs of other use
- 16-18: The top of the street directory is always north.
- 19-22 Smile at the other person in your life, even if they are totally, disastrously wrong. Then shut up.
- 23-50 Maintain an up-to-date list of your partner's friends, workmates, contacts, Always carry it with you. Cross check every new acquaintance. Your life may depend
of telling them the right story.
- 50+: Always let your hard won wisdom shine forth. Take no crap from anyone.
Submitted by my good friend Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia!
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Three Women were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first woman prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! ...God gave her big arms and strong legs and she was able to swim Across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second woman prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof! ... God gave her a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and she was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two women, the third woman prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'
Poof! ... She was turned into a man. he checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your husband told you to!'
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Tips for us ladies in year 2008
- Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
- If the shoe fits - buy one in every color.
- Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila
- In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
- Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
- When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
- Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality.
- I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
- Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
- Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.
- When life gives you lemons in 2008 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
- Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else's ex boyfriend!
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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A minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: 'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures
were still hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't shut up.'
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Sven was out shopping when he met his friend Ole outside the jewelers.
Ole noticed that Sven had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. "So vat have you just purchased Sven?" Ole asks.
"Vell, now that you've asked," replies Sven, "it's time to buy my Lena's Christmas present and ven I asked her this morning vat she vanted for Christmas she said, 'Oh,
I don't know, dear, yust give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'"
"So vat did you get her?" Ole asks.
Sven replied, smiling proudly, "I bought her a deck of cards."
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed
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A guy comes home from work and over dinner asks his wife...
... “Oh, by the way, have you heard the story about the dirty window?”
“No,” she says, “what about it?”
“Oh, there’s no point in telling you, you wouldn’t see through it anyway.”
She looked quite put out for a few moments, but then the light dawned. “Oh! That’s really good. I can’t wait to tell the
girls at bridge tomorrow.”
So as they sit down at Federation square she says to the other thee women at her table, “Now let’s see. Have you heard
about…” she pauses as she tries to remember, “…about the window you can’t see through?”
“No,” they chorus, “What about it?”
“Oh, you wouldn’t get it anyway. It’s too dirty to tell.”
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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Five Rules for Men to Follow to a Happy Life:
- It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
- It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
- It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
- It's important to have a woman, who you can curl up with and who likes to be with you.
- It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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Jill and John got married. John thought this
would be a marriage with equal roles...
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted,
"Poached? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached.? Here, my love, enjoy!" Jill looks at the plate and
says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:
- The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
- Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
- Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
- A dog's parents never visit.
- Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
- Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
- You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
- Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
- Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
- A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
- If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
- A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
- If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
- Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL
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How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be
opened when she brings it.
- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
- Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called the Wedding Cake.
- Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Florida
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