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Women's keywords and their meaning. 

"Fine": This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but need to shut the man up. Men will never be allowed to end a sentence with the word "fine" and just walk away, this word is for the sole use of women in this context. Oh, and by the way, (refer to the definition of "Oh" below), NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks, or in about "five minutes" (see below also), you will hear the word "Fine" followed by silence.

"Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade.

"Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

A Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

A Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

"Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, I talked to John about what you two were doing last night". If she says "Oh, by the way" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. When she is done tossing your clothes out the window, she will tell you that she is "Fine" but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as a question, as in, "Oh??!!" usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a Raised Eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

"That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often combined with the word "Fine" and accompanied by the Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point, probably without warning, in either the near or distant future (time holds no significance here), you are going definitely going o remember this initial moment and regret it. More than likely you will regret it more than once over the duration of your relationship.

"Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" scenario.

"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

"Thanks A Lot": This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the

"Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing"....see paragraph one.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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Women think they already know everything . . .

But training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

  • Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
  • The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
  • Parties: Going Without New Outfits
  • Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
  • Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
  • Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
  • Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
  • Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
  • Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
  • Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
  • Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
  • Introduction to Parking
  • Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
  • Water Retention: Fact or Fat
  • Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
  • Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
  • Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
  • Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
  • Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
  • Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
  • Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
  • Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
  • Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
  • TV Remotes: For Men Only

Submitted by Crystal, Mt. Airy, Md.

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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. 

The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, the accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...etc ....etc. He

had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for an horrific night, entered the bedroom. 

What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story? The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she's still a witch---and don't you forget it.

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Men and Women Compared:


  • If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
  • If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

Eating Out

  • When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in a $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
  • When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
  • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.


  • A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
  • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


  • A woman has the last word in any argument.
  • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Dressing Up

  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
  • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


  • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
  • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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What men say and what they mean  . . . 
  • "I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
  • "IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
  • "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR
  • "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
  • "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."
  • "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
  • "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
  • "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"
  • "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
  • "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
  • "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
  • "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
  • "I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
  • "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
  • "I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
  • "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
  • "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
  • "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
  • "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. 

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a Three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't looking for great time and a good meal, I'm homesick."

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The perfect breakfast ... you're sitting at the table -
  • Your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties...
  • your mistress is on the cover of playboy...
  • and your wife is on the back of the milk carton!

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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To women everywhere from a man who's had enough . . .
  • Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's down, put it up.
  • If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  • Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
  • Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
  • If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
  • Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
  • Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  • Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
  • When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. really.
  • You have enough clothes.
  • You have too many shoes.
  • Crying is blackmail.
  • Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
  • No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
  • If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
  • Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
  • Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
  • Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  • Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  • Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
  • Check your oil.
  • It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
  • Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
  • All comments become null and void after 7 days.
  • If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  • You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  • ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
  • Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
  • If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

Submitted by Kate, San Francisco, Calif.

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You all know, in the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then He created man.

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill..."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez..." and then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

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