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For men tired of receiving male bashing jokes

  • How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
  • Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
  • How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
  • How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
  • Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
  • If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
  • All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  • I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
  • Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is Wedding Cake.
  • Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
  • Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
  • In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
  • Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law.
  • Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.
  • The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Submitted my Bill, Narberth, Pa.
   

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How men and women differ when it comes to dealing with ATM's

HIM:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:

  1. Pull up to ATM
  2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
  3. Shut off engine
  4. Put keys in purse
  5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
  6. Hunt for card in purse
  7. Insert card
  8. Hunt in purse for slip of paper with PIN number written on it
  9. Enter PIN number
  10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
  11. Hit "cancel"
  12. Re-enter correct PIN number
  13. Hit "cancel"
  14. Call husband to get correct PIN number
  15. Check balance
  16. Look for envelope
  17. Look in purse for pen
  18. Make out deposit slip
  19. Endorse checks
  20. Make deposit
  21. Study instructions
  22. Make cash withdrawal
  23. Get in car
  24. Check makeup
  25. Look for keys
  26. Start car
  27. Check makeup
  28. Start pulling away
  29. STOP
  30. Back up to machine
  31. Get out of car
  32. Take card and receipt
  33. Get back in car
  34. Put card in wallet
  35. Put receipt in checkbook
  36. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
  37. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
  38. Check makeup
  39. Put car in gear, reverse
  40. Put car in drive
  41.  Drive away from machine
  42. Travel 3 miles
  43. Release parking brake

Submitted by Michael, Emmitsburg, Md.
  

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Latest Update to: If men really did rule the world...
  • Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
  • Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
  • It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
  • Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
  • It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
  • The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

Read past entries in: If men really did rule the world...
 

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An eyeful a day keeps the doctors away

Staring at womenís breast is good for menís health and makes them live longer. A new survey reveals. Researchers have discovered that a 10-minute ogle at womenís breast is as health as half-an-hour in the gym.

A five-year study of 200 men found that those who enjoyed a longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure, less heart disease and slower pulse rates compared to those who did not get their daily eyeful.

The doctor who carries out the German study wrote in the New England Journal of Medicine: "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30 minute aerobics workout. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves the blood circulation. There is no question that gazing at breast makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man extend his life four or five years."

She added that sexy starts like Dolly Patron, heather Locklcar, Ann Nicole Smith and Demi Moore had proved to be especially good for the menís Health.

Submitted by Neal, Kennett Square, Pa.
 

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night . . .

. . . when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.
 

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Its Good to be a Man
  • Damn, It's Good to Be a Man! Your last name stays put.
  • The garage is all yours.
  • Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  • Chocolate is just another snack.
  • You can be president.
  • You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  • Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  • You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
  • The world is your urinal.
  • You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
  • Same work... more pay.
  • Wrinkles add character.
  • Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
  • People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  • The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  • New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  • Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
  • One mood, ALL the damn time.
  • Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  • You know stuff about tanks.
  • A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  • You can open all your own jars.
  • Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
  • You can leave the motel bed unmade.
  • You can kill your own food.
  • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  • If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
  • Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
  • If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
  • Everything on your face stays its original color.
  • You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
  • Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  • You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
  • You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
  • You don't mooch off other's desserts.
  • You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
  • You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
  • You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  • You almost never have strap problems in public.
  • You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  • The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  • You don't have to shave below your neck.
  • Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  • One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
  • You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
  • You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
  • You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Submitted by Suzanne, Annapolis, Md.

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A man was sitting alone in his office one night . . .

. . .when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!"

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.
 

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The 5 questions most feared by men:
  • Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

    The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

    This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
    a. Football.
    b. Golf.
    c. How fat you are.
    d. How much prettier she is than you.
    e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

    Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you"
  • Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, shit-loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

  • Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

  • Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
    Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

    Incorrect responses include:
    a. Yes, but you have a better personality
    b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
    c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
    d. Define pretty
    e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
  • Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
    A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

    Woman: Would you get married again?
    Man: Definitely not!
    Woman: Why not - don't you like being married?
    Man: Of course I do.
    Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
    Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
    Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
    Man: (makes audible groan)
    Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
    Man: Where else would we sleep?
    Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
    Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
    Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
    Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
    Woman: - - - silence - - -

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Becky was on her deathbed. . .

. . . Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Jake," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."

She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep ."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

"I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
 

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If men really ruled the world . . .
  • Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a, "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
  • Birth control would come in ale or lager.
  • Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
  • On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
  • St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
  • Garbage would take itself out.
  • Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
  • The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."
  • Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
  • Tanks would be far easier to rent.
  • Two words... "Ally McNaked".
  • When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
  • People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
  • Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
  • Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
  • Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
  • The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. 18. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
  • Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
  • When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  • Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
  • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
  • "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
  • At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
  • Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.
 

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In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room . . .

. . . where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

Submitted by a happy married man who, needless to say, would like to remain anonymous . . .
 

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