State mandates

Jack Deatherage

(10/2019) As I've settled into my dotage I've taken to wandering down the hill to the town office to sit in meeting rooms listening to the Mayor, the Commissioners, the town staff and the appointed committee members discuss, argue, recommend and vote on the various ordinances that I'm supposed to live by. Most of what I see and hear zips right by me as I expect it should- me having the mental capabilities and the attention span of a nectar drunk butterfly. What little I think I grasp often leaves me more confused.

For instance, I've sat through several Green Team (GT) meetings wondering what the hell was going on. Someone involved with the Frederick watershed came to a meeting and spoke of that city's efforts at reforestation. Stream banks and tree planting, composting and a community garden. Rain barrels and rain gardens- whatever rain gardens are?

I was asked if I wanted to be a formal member of the team. I declined. I still hadn't a clue about why the town had a Green Team. Though I liked the idea of gardens, composting and planting trees. Still, why was the town government getting involved in what, to me, were private affairs of the town folk? (There were niggling hints the state had triggered this interest, but I hadn't heard the why of that either.)

At the latest GT meeting someone mentioned Municipal Separate Storm Sewer System (MS4) and everything I'd heard previously fell into place, sort of. From the town government website: "MS4 is a system of conveyances including roads with drainage systems, municipal streets, catch basins, curbs, gutters, ditches, man-made channels, or storm drains. As stormwater runs over driveways, lawns and sidewalks it picks up debris, chemicals, dirt and other pollutants."

What the site doesn't mention is MS4 is part of an unfunded Maryland mandate to restore the water quality of the Chesapeake Bay! One of "Mother" O'Malley's parting gifts to the peasants of Maryland before he made a run at the Democrats' primary for the presidency. I wasn't surprised to learn the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) had dumped on Maryland it's own unfunded mandate to clean up the Bay. Nor am I surprised that both the elected and appointed rulers at the State and Federal levels have taken to unfunded mandates to avoid the appearance of raising taxes on the peasants- ummm... voters? Yeah, let's call us voters. Sounds so much more egalitarian, don't it?

Also from the town government's website: "Listed below are the six minimum control measures that the Town must incorporate into the storm water management program. These measures are expected to result in significant reductions of pollutants discharged into receiving water bodies.

• Public Education and Outreach

• Public Participation/Involvement

• Illicit Discharge Detection and Elimination

• Construction Site Runoff Control

• Post-Construction Runoff Control

• Pollution Prevention/Good Housekeeping"

Each measure has a summation of what the town is expected to accomplish (written in plain English so even semi-literates, such as myself, can almost understand them), or suffer a fine from the state's version of the EPA - somewhere between $200,000 and $375,000 if I heard aright at a meeting. (As of the composing of this rant I haven't gotten a confirmation from the town planner.) Which brings another result of the state mandate to mind. Our town planner now spends up to 50% of his working hours trying to bring the town into compliance with this mandate! At least one other member of the town staff is also giving over about half the work day to seeking and applying for grant moneys to avoid the state fine and having to raise taxes on the peasants- errr... citizens.

A document that sheds light on MS4 can be found by searching the town government website using "MS4" then looking for "Links/Additional Information" and under that- "annual reports" and the link: "01/2016 – 12/2017". The document is 88 pages long, but much of it is photographs and generally understandable reporting by town planner Zack Gulden.

Back to the purpose of the state's mandate - the Bay cleanup. I don't give an environmentalist's fart about the Bay. I haven't eaten a crab, an oyster or a fish from that water in decades! The closest I've been to the Bay was a visit to the Inner Harbor in Bal'm'r', which actually impressed me with its unimpressiveness. (I'd sooner sit under the pines at Rainbow Lake- enjoying the occasional lack of monkey people sounds and cool breezes rippling across the lake's surface.) Other than the EPA and Maryland's mandates, which will likely increase my taxes through fines at the least, I would have to struggle to care less if the Bay filled up with sediment and became another coastal marsh.

As it seems impossible to remove the politicians and bureaucrats from the offices that create unfunded mandates, and fighting them in courts seems a waste of time and money given the news media's (if not the general public's) hysteria over the environment, joining the effort to meet the governments' minimum requirements makes the most sense. If I can figure out how to profit while joining the compliance efforts so much the better.

And there are profitable opportunities. While nut and fruit trees may not be on the state's list of recommended plantings to reduce rain runoff and lower the area's summer temperatures with shade (cutting down on household cooling costs) they would be of value to a property owner for their produce and eventual lumber. I haven't yard enough for trees towering 50 and 60 feet above the weeds or there would be hickory, walnut, heart and butter nut trees interspersed with paw paws, persimmons, plums and cherries. What I do have is a yard that slopes to an alley that funnels stormwater down to the rill behind the Creekside apartments and into Flat Run - occasionally adding to the flooding at Northgate's sole entrance/exit.

Placing a straw bale garden across the lower end of my yard would slow the runoff from the yard and allow me to reduce the watering I have to do to get a few delicious tomatoes each summer. Building a mushroom bed above the tomato bales would make use of a shaded area caused by invasive trees I haven't the wherewithal to remove. Beyond making use of the shade, 'shroom beds would catch the runoff from the dog run section of the yard.

I had planned a mushroom experiment under the trees before I understood what MS4 was about. While the first trial would be of Stropharia rugosoannulata, a tasty, supposedly "easy" 'shroom to grow at home, the next trial 'shroom could be a more profitable- psilocybin. Though I suspect "Momy" Maryland might object to the growing and selling of those.

Anyhow, there are useful and practical ways of dealing with the rulers' mandates. In my case "Public Education and Outreach" seems a natural fit for this column, though I don't think the Mayor had this particular rant in mind when I told him after the last Green Team meeting I'd press for the News-Journal to help get the word out. But hey. Let an idiot into the public meetings and get an idiot's thoughts as a result.