"I'm afraid he's very ill."

"No, no," corrected the leader, "You really shouldn't say that - you should say that he's under the impression that he's very ill."

The woman nods in agreement, "Yes, I'll remember next time."

A few weeks later the leader saw the woman again. "And how is your husband at the moment?"

"Well", she replied, "he's under the impression that he's dead!"

The preacher has no time to reply.

"Well it’s a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgment, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!"

"Well thank God for that" replied the preacher!

The priest came to visit Oscar, and suggested that Oscar convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Oscar attended Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over Oscar he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."

Oscar's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Oscar's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Oscar, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Oscar, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye."

• Quarantine sign on choir room.
• Nine of the organist's fingers are bandaged up due to arthritis.
• None of the sopranos can sing higher that the altos.
• All of the basses sing higher than the altos.
• The altos cannot sing at all.
• All of the music is dated B.C. (Before Caesar)
• The organ is beautiful, its wood tone matches the interior of the church and has been out of order since the 1930's.
• The replacement for the organ is a hurdy-gurdy c.1902.
• The minister only wants to hear one song, "Abide With Me" and he is tone-deaf.
• The congregation, also tone deaf, likes "Abide With Me", they also like Grand Ol' Opry songs and George Beverly Shea as a modern singer.
• All of the choir members who could sing converted to Judaism and moved to Haifa.
• All of the members from other churches who couldn't sing moved into your church.

Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.

"However, you sent us some golf pencils... each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

• Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
• I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
• I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
• Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
• I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
• Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
• Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
• I’ve decided to cook the prime rib to serve at the potluck supper.
• The minister’s old mini-van has served him long enough. Let’s buy him a new Lexus SUV.
• For the pastor’s sake, let put all of the sick parishioners in the same hospital.
• Wow! This church accepts VISA and Mastercard!
• Let’s park in the back of the lot, so those older people can get a parking place near the door!
• I don’t care if the pro football game has started. I want to hear the end of this sermon!
• Everyone has turned his pledge cards in early!
• The trustees have reported that everything is in fine working order and nothing needs to be replaced.
• The choir is so good that I am going to donate money for their next three anthem copies.
• I don’t care what race or gender the new minister is, what the Lord provides is completely okay with me!

The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The tall, stately gentleman said, 'We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?'

The first fellow said he was a pretty good player, and that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we're pretty even so far, so why not?

The stately gentleman played 'straight & true' golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The priest said, 'You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.'

The pro said, 'Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?'

The priest said, 'Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.'

• A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.' (This is my personal favourite!)
   
• The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.' 'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.
   
• A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?' The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
   
• During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
   
• A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 'Yes, sir,' the boy replied. 'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'
   
• When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?' Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
   
• Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother. 'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.' 'That's at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

• Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
• I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
• Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
• I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
• I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
• Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
• I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
• Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
• Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
• Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened. The rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! and thin no more!"

"My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."

The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking.

Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."

The third just sits there quietly.

So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."

The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train."

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.

Finally, the man arrived in the great state of Texas. Upon entering a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 25 cents"!? Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God.... But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call.

....Why is that?

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in Texas now! and it's a local call."