Mary Angel
(5/2024) Some weeks ago, I ran into Pop Shelf to grab a few things. Truth is, it was the day before Easter, and I was exceptionally behind filling the baskets. As I picked up the last few items I needed, I did self-checkout, and headed for the door. As I got to the door something amazing happened. Not magical amazing, but "Yes" amazing.
The young couple in front of me were also leaving and he held open the door for his girlfriend. Then he waited for me to get to the door and held it open for me as well. It didn’t stop there, as I was walking through the door, I thanked him and then he said something I hadn’t heard in a long time. He said, "Yes, ma’am"! This is a phrase I use to hear all the time, but lately it has fallen to the wayside. Maybe because of the times we live in, and maybe because of the way we are raising our kids. The question I am trying to figure out is whether or not our kids are a disrespectful generation or just conditioned that these little niceties don’t matter.
When the young man said that to me, I absolutely beamed. Seriously, I was grinning ear to ear. I do know some people who would have been offended at being called ma’am. They would have, in turn, responded with, "How old do you think I am?!" In actuality that is not how I took it at all. I simply thought he was being sweet and respectful.
I have raised all four of my children to say, "yes ma’am" and "yes sir" without thinking. To me this is polite and a sign of respect. It was never meant to be an acknowledgement of advanced age in any way, but a way to say I respect you and sometimes a nice way to address someone whose name you do not know. The young man at Pop Shelf could have said, "You are welcome", but "Yes ma’am", in that circumstance, said, "You are welcome, and I respect you". What a tiny yet meaningful gesture.
This leads me to another dilemma, and that is how we, the recipient, choose to receive this gift. I choose to think people are being kind, polite, and well mannered. Others may choose to think the person is calling them "old" or they are being a smarty pants. Sometimes in life we can make a good situation turn bad because of our own interpretation of the facts.
My first job out of college was for a non-profit that helped the homeless. I would say, "Yes ma’am" to all the ladies I worked with. I was fresh out of college and very nervous about my first job. I was in awe of my coworkers, with their vast knowledge on the programs we offered. One of them very abruptly asked, "Stop speaking to me that way, I am not your mother". I was completely thrown. I had not singled her out with any of my comments, nor had I treated her like my mother, but something in her past made her react like that. I asked her to sit down with me so we could talk things through. It went very well, and she did finally understand, but I had to promise not to say yes ma’am to her ever again. I am still a little confused to this day, that I had to agree not to speak to her respectfully ever again. Not that she wanted me to disrespect her, but she had this hang up and I had to respect that.
As I stated before, all of my kids were raised to say, "Yes ma’am" and "Yes, sir" whenever the opportunity arises. What better place to show this respect than in school and to a teacher. As many of you know, I have homeschooled all four of my kids in different grades in their lives. Although they have each taken an individualized path, all of them went to public school in high school. All of them had something else in common and that is their use of respectful language and how it was received. Each one of them has a different, albeit similar, story about saying one of these two phrases and it not being received well.
"What did you mean by that?" "Don’t speak to me that way!" "You aren’t going to get a better grade by being a brown noser" These are just a few of the responses they got from acting the respectful way they were raised. I can’t entirely blame the teachers, because I am sure their response was partially ingrained in them. A lot like Pavlov’s Dogs, I believe teachers are treated so disrespectfully, it can become a knee jerk reaction to think that is how a student is acting towards them.
I think it is time to break that cycle. If we start raising our kids to be respectful of others, especially teachers, and we let our kids and teachers know that we aren’t against them but for the teachers, then maybe we can change the assumption that kids are being smart mouthed instead of respectful. Let’s face fact, kids, as a rule, are testing the waters every day, especially high school aged kids. They are navigating raging hormones, the stress and fear of the looming real world, and crazy interpersonal relationships, so some smart alec comments are inevitable.
I am personally dealing with a hormonal 16-year-old daughter, and I am not sure I am going to survive. She is either super sweet or her head is spinning 180 degrees while she spews some of the most venomous words I have heard. The good news is, at every parent-teacher conference I am told she is one of the most respectful and kind students they have ever had in a class. So, although I can sometimes wonder what demon has possessed my sweet little girl when she is at home, I know when she leaves the house, she musters up all of the respectful upbringing we have given her, and she treats others with kindness.
Now the question is, when is it too late? My answer would have to be never. Teach by example and teach whenever the opportunity arises. Kindness and respect can be taught in many different circumstances. A kind word when someone is feeling down, a card to let someone know you are thinking of them or brightening stranger’s day by holding the door and showing them respect. Take every opportunity to show your kids how easy it is to be kind and respectful and before you know it, they will be emulating your behavior without realizing it.
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