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| A man went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy an old Dodge Pickup." said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
"Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
Submitted by Dan, Buford, SC.
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Political One-Liners
- The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII
- We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop
- If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers
- Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato
- Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev
- When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow
- Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown
- If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno
- Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton
- Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer
- I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
- A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan
- Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~Gore Vidal
- I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle
- Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson
- Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown
- There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators. ~Will Rogers
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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Collected Comments of College Students
- He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.
- Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!
- His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.
- Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.
- This class was a religious experience for me ... I had to take it all on faith.
- The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.
- Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.
- Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever.
- Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all directions - no way to stop it.
- I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him,
"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to
bed with you."
"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard month of fighting for their king.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, " We have been robbing, raping, and pillaging on your behalf all month,
burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now, sire."Submitted by Gary, Emmitsburg, Md.
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You've Turned Into a Mom When...
- You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
- You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
- You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
- You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
- You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
- You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
- You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
- You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak
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Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the old widow... ... in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldberg is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that now she's angry with you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
She said, "It's none of your business how old she is."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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About Aging, My Little
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| The Polish Contractor and a "Walk-In Fridge" - Download Video
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
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Doormats with attitude 
 
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Jan 23rd Humor Page |
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