Humor Selections for Sept 19th, 2011

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A wife  was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV.

Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season tickets."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away from the game.

Sarah said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?"

"Absolutely not," he said, "season's more than half over."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question.

The night before the big question, he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mike.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.

"I'll try the second part first."

The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation...

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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  • Even if the voices aren't real, they have some pretty good ideas.
  • Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
  • The most adorable bride of today will be someone's mother-in-law in the future.
  • Punctual people have nothing better to do.
  • People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot!
  • Nothing tastes as good as slim feels.
  • Save time . . . see it my way.
  • The only thing you have to do is breathe; Everything else is just optional.
  • People spend their health for wealth . . . then spend their wealth for health.
  • Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
  • Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.
  • Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.
  • Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.
  • The closest some people ever get to a 4.0 in school is their blood alcohol content.
  • The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
  • Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!"

Submitted by dick, Williamsport, Md.

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An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam...

... after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

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You Know It's Time to Diet When...
  • You dance and it makes the band skip.
  • You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
  • You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
  • You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
  • Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
  • You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
  • You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
  • You could sell shade.
  • Your blood type is Ragu.
  • You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

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Team Work - Download Video

Submitted by Cathy, Storington, England

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Rare Moments - Download PowerPoint

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Ironic signs


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