Humor Selections for March 9th, 2011

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A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad.

... and undergoes weeks of training.

The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his readiness. The following exchange takes place:

Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?"

Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track."

Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"

Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switchlever there, putting one train on the other track."

Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains."

Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone."

Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."

Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?"

Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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John and Jake went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days.

As they slid in to a booth, John wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some mustard from the table. The waitress, in a dirty uniform, came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

"No thanks," said John, "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee, too," Jake said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Dear ...

Dear Noah,
I finally landed in New York. Knew I should never have undertaken that second journey.
Signed, The Dove

Dear UN,
Please find attached my unbeatable formula for peace. No charge.
Signed, John LeMorte, President, Undertakers Guild

Dear Christchurch,
Sorry, you built in the wrong place, the wrong time. I was here first.
Signed, the Pacific Fault Line

Dear Mr. Bush,
We all knew you couldn’t spell.
Signed, The weapons of Ms Destruction.

Dear skin,
Thanks for the pheromones.
Signed, Mosquitoes

Dear Rapper,
Crappa Nuppa this Pappa Throwuppa.Signed,
The English Language

Dear Facebook,
Yes, I’m 90% below the surface too.
Signed, Icebergs

Dear Photon,
Thanks for showing me the light,
Signed, the brain

Dear Winner,
I may represent your success, but remember, I’m a success in my own right. Always nominated as The Statue of Choice. I deserve RESPECT!
Signed, Oscar

Dear Albert,
Your formula is correct. Excuses = Mindless Connivance squared.
Signed, Barak

Dear Walruses,
Thought we’d better let you know that we are adopting your image for our new corporate logo, as we needed something gentle and informative. It was the teeth that did it for us. We both have them long and sharp.
Signed, Dracula Inc.

Dear Professor Smallmind,
A student of yours has sent me a question from your recent exam paper: ‘The question is, to be or not to be. That is the question.’ Discuss. I have been plagiarized, misquoted and trashed over the centuries, but no one has had the temerity to try to top me. The green eyed monster that doth mock the meat it feeds on is still alive, I see – and sweet revenge grows harsh!
Signed, William S

Dear Pooches everywhere,
Lost your sense of smell? Dependant on humans? Overfed and made to feel worthless? We can help. Leave a message on the nearest lamp post,
Signed, Real Dogs Recovery Program

Dear Pythagoras,
Do you realise how disheartening it is living next to a couple of right squares? They keep calling me ‘slope’ or ‘slide’, even ‘slippery’. I’m going to square up to them one day and tell them I’m their equal.
Signed, the hypotenuse.

Dear Teens,
So, you twitter? You live in a nest and eat worms? Watch out for hawks? Crumbs are a luxury?
Stop encroaching on our territory!
Signed, The Birds

Hey Albert,
I don’t care where you are in your space time thingy, an apple still hurts when it falls on your head.
Signed, Isaac

Dear Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty,
Get real, all you ever wanted was a roll in the fantasy hay, and I gave it to you. Some stud, Hey?
Signed, Prince Charming

Dear Gardener,
Imagine, if you will, how you would feel if you had been brought up on the wrong side of the tracks. Then you’d have some appreciation of our plight.
Signed, The Weeds

Dear Forehead,
Yes, I’ll keep falling on you, but existential is not my style.
Signed, Raindrops

Dear Clint,
Talk to us all you want, but we won’t listen. We only understand rustle.
Signed, The Trees

Dear Computer,
Just because I thump the table and scream at you doesn’t mean I don’t love and respect you. And you really are the only computer in the world for me. I love you, baby.
Signed, Me

Dear Schrodinger,
The cat is not in the box, you idiot, it’s in the hat.
Signed, Suess

Dear Cream,
Please, get on with it. You know I’m nothing without you.
Signed, Strawberries

Dear Human,
Take a zero, add a decimal point and a million trillion zeros, and you are still microscopic in the scheme of things. But even then, I guess you might matter.
Signed, The Universe

Dear Nose,
We have perfume so we can procreate, but if it brings pleasure to you, be our guest.
Signed, Flowers

Dear One,
You are only as important as you think you are.
Signed, your Ego.

Dear Appaloosas,
Flighty, fancy, fastidious. That’s you. Dependable, determined, decisive. That’s us.
Signed, Mr. Ed Equus,
President, Clydesdale society International.

Dear Reader,
Thanks for your enjoyment.
Signed, The Smile

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Facts of Life
  • Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
  • There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
  • Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
  • Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -- then start worrying)
  • Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
  • Drive carefully It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
  • A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work..
  • A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
  • Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
  • The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
  • There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  • If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
  • A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 -- Women, 2 -- Fractions

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Timing and shadows is everything ...


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March 4th Humor Page