I finally landed in New York. Knew I should never have undertaken that second journey.
Signed, The Dove
Please find attached my unbeatable formula for peace. No charge.
Signed, John LeMorte, President, Undertakers Guild
Sorry, you built in the wrong place, the wrong time. I was here first.
Signed, the Pacific Fault Line
Dear Mr. Bush,
We all knew you couldn’t spell.
Signed, The weapons of Ms Destruction.
Thanks for the pheromones.
Crappa Nuppa this Pappa Throwuppa.Signed,
The English Language
Yes, I’m 90% below the surface too.
Thanks for showing me the light,
Signed, the brain
I may represent your success, but remember, I’m a success in my own right. Always nominated as The Statue of Choice. I deserve RESPECT!
Your formula is correct. Excuses = Mindless Connivance squared.
Thought we’d better let you know that we are adopting your image for our new corporate logo, as we needed something gentle and informative. It was the teeth that did it for us. We both have them long and sharp.
Signed, Dracula Inc.
Dear Professor Smallmind,
A student of yours has sent me a question from your recent exam paper: ‘The question is, to be or not to be. That is the question.’ Discuss. I have been plagiarized, misquoted and trashed over the centuries, but no one has had the temerity to
try to top me. The green eyed monster that doth mock the meat it feeds on is still alive, I see – and sweet revenge grows harsh!
Signed, William S
Dear Pooches everywhere,
Lost your sense of smell? Dependant on humans? Overfed and made to feel worthless? We can help. Leave a message on the nearest lamp post,
Signed, Real Dogs Recovery Program
Do you realise how disheartening it is living next to a couple of right squares? They keep calling me ‘slope’ or ‘slide’, even ‘slippery’. I’m going to square up to them one day and tell them I’m their equal.
Signed, the hypotenuse.
So, you twitter? You live in a nest and eat worms? Watch out for hawks? Crumbs are a luxury?
Stop encroaching on our territory!
Signed, The Birds
I don’t care where you are in your space time thingy, an apple still hurts when it falls on your head.
Dear Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty,
Get real, all you ever wanted was a roll in the fantasy hay, and I gave it to you. Some stud, Hey?
Signed, Prince Charming
Imagine, if you will, how you would feel if you had been brought up on the wrong side of the tracks. Then you’d have some appreciation of our plight.
Signed, The Weeds
Yes, I’ll keep falling on you, but existential is not my style.
Talk to us all you want, but we won’t listen. We only understand rustle.
Signed, The Trees
Just because I thump the table and scream at you doesn’t mean I don’t love and respect you. And you really are the only computer in the world for me. I love you, baby.
The cat is not in the box, you idiot, it’s in the hat.
Please, get on with it. You know I’m nothing without you.
Take a zero, add a decimal point and a million trillion zeros, and you are still microscopic in the scheme of things. But even then, I guess you might matter.
Signed, The Universe
We have perfume so we can procreate, but if it brings pleasure to you, be our guest.
You are only as important as you think you are.
Signed, your Ego.
Flighty, fancy, fastidious. That’s you. Dependable, determined, decisive. That’s us.
Signed, Mr. Ed Equus,
President, Clydesdale society International.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.
Thanks for your enjoyment.
Signed, The Smile