|A blond is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas.
She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know. Why don't you play your age?" Then he walked away.
Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she alright?"
The roulette wheel operator replied, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, she just fainted!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Why the Army shouldn't
take anyone under 35 ....
If I could, I'd enlist today and help my
country track down those responsible for killing thousands of
innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC But, I'm
over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending
18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join until
you're at least 35. For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about
sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of
times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per
day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to
be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we
can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My
back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer
yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough
to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has
consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt
through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do
wonders for the old beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up
before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.
If old guys are captured we couldn't
spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them.
In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real
Boot camp would actually be easier for
old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we
actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep
appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better
They could lighten up on the obstacle
course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single
20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do
any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the
Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."
And the running part is kind of a waste
of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead
of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a
conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt
crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still
hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles,
and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord
can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at
home to learn a little more about life before sending them off
to possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty
rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last
thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of
million old farts with attitudes.
Submitted by Dave,
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A Texan farmer goes to Australia
for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie
farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field
and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little,
and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately
says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost
died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the
field in the distance. Amazed, he asks, "What the hell are
The Aussie replies with an incredulous
look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.
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Definition of Barbecuing
... It's the only type of cooking a "real man" will do.
When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the
following chain of events are put into motion:
- The woman goes to the store.
- The woman fixes the salad, vegetables,
- The woman prepares the meat for
cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking
utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the
grill, beer in hand.
- The man places the meat on the grill.
- The woman goes inside to set the table
and check the vegetables.
- The woman comes out to tell the man
that the meat is burning.
- The man takes the meat off the grill
and hands it to the woman.
- The woman prepares the plates and
brings them to the table.
- After eating, the woman clears the
table and does the dishes.
- Everyone praises man and thanks him for
his cooking efforts.
- The man asks the woman how she enjoyed
"her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction,
concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.
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A blonde came home from her
first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a
little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm
nauseous from sitting backward on the train."
"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask
the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no
Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, MD.
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Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
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June 27th Humor Page