Humor Selections for Jan 31st, 2011

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I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, you idiot. I was talking to the cat."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.  Sincerely, Unicorns
  • Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch. Sincerely, The Titanic
  • Dear J.K. Rowling, Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends? Sincerely, Anonymous
  • Dear America, You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada
  • Dear Voldemort, So they screwed up your nose too? Sincerely, Michael Jackson
  • Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying... Sincerely, Google
  • Dear girls who have been dumped, There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead. Sincerely, BP
  • Dear Justin Bieber, Ariel would really love her voice back. Sincerely, King Triton
  • Dear Windshield Wipers, Can't touch this. Sincerely, That Little Triangle
  • Dear Taylor Swift, If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end. Sincerely, Shakespeare
  • Dear Soccer Fans, B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z ZZ! Sincerely, Vuvuzelas
  • Dear Saturn, I liked it, so I put a ring on it. Sincerely, God
  • Dear Rubik's Cube, Done! Sincerely, Colorblind
  • Dear Martin Luther King Jr., I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now? Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio
  • Dear Sleeping Beauty, I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man. All you had to do was wake up. Sincerely, Mulan
  • Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed
  • Dear Edward, I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart. Sincerely, a stake
  • Dear Prince Charming, You've got some explaining to do! Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia!

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Talking Pennsylvanian - Once a Pennsylvanian, ALWAYS a Pennsylvanian!

  • About Pennsylvanians: You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but 'Philly' and New Jersey has always been ' Jersey ..'
  • We don't go to the beach, we go 'down the shore.'
  • You refer to Pennsylvania as 'PA' (pronounced Pee-Ay).
  • How many other states do that??
  • 'You guys' (or even 'youze guys', in some places) is a perfectly acceptable reference to a group of men and women.
  • You know how to respond to the question 'Djeetyet?' (Did you eat yet?)
  • You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre , Schuylkill , the Pocono's, Tamaqua, Tunkahannock, Bala Cynwyd, Duquesne and Monongahela.
  • And we know Lancaster is pronounced Lank-ister, not Lan-kaster.
  • You know what a 'Mummer' is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights of the parade.
  • You know what ' Punxsutawney Phil' is, and what it means if he sees his shadow.
  • The first day of buck and the first day of doe season are school holidays.
  • At least five people on your block have electric 'candles' in all or most of their windows all year long.
  • You know what a 'State Store' is, and your out-of-state friends find it incredulous that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart.
  • Words like 'hoagie,' 'crick,' 'chipped ham,' 'dippy eggs', 'sticky buns,' 'shoo-fly pie,' 'lemon sponge pie', 'pierogies' and 'pocketbook' actually mean something to you. ( By the way, that last one's PA slang for a purse!)
  • You can eat cold pizza (even for breakfast!) and know others who do the same. Those from NY find this 'barbaric.'
  • You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in several colors.
  • You know t he difference between a cheese steak and a pizza steak sandwich, and you know that you also can't get a really good one anywhere outside of the Philly area. (Except maybe in Atlantic City on the boardwalk.)
  • You live for summer, when street and county fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake season.
  • You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Paradise, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Mars, Bethlehem, Hershey, Indiana, Sinking Spring, Jersey Shore, State College, Washington Crossing, Jim Thorpe, King of Prussia, Wind Gap, and Slippery Rock are all PA towns ... and the first three were consecutive stops on the old Reading RR! (PS - That's pronounced Redd-ing.)
  • You know what a township, borough, and commonwealth are.
  • You can identify drivers from New York , New Jersey , Maryland or other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits and their front license plates!
  • A traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on the highway in Lancaster County . (And remember ... that's Lank-ister!)
  • You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
  • You carry jumper cables in your car and your female passengers know how to use them.
  • Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
  • As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than you were.
  • You know beer doesn't grow in a garden, but you know where to find a beer garden.
  • You also know someone who lives 'down the lane'.
  • You actually understand all this and send it on to other Pennsylvanians for former Pennsylvanians!

Submitted by Frank, Placerville, Ca.

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A social worker from Massachusetts recently transferred to Mountains of West Virginia...

... and was on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Nursing Home Talent Show - Download Video

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed

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Find the man's head in the coffee beans:

Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly. If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!! 

And, yes, the man is really there!

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England

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Jan 24th Humor Page