Humor Selections for Jan 17th, 2011

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A stark naked, drunken woman jumped into a taxi in downtown New Delhi.

The Indian driver was beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman, upset, yelled, "What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?"

The cab driver told her that he wasn't staring at her because in their custom it would not be proper to stare.

The woman who does not like to be stared at....belligerently says, "Well, it you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"

Cab driver explains: "Well, I'm telling you....... I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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You know you are from Upper East Tennessee if . . .
  • You can buy beer at a drive up window and the corner grocery but you have to drive to the Virginia side of Bristol or Johnson City to buy hard liquor ( brand name and taxed ).
  • You know what a "holler" is and know them all by name in your county.
  • You refuse to use the new names 911 gave to the roads because of yuppie move-ins pressure. You still call it the Dogtown Road, Bugaboo Holler, Dump Hill and Pogie.
  • You helped run the KKK out of town.
  • You’ve had the local sheriff’s dept. deliver a quart of shine to you when you couldn’t get out to get it yourself.
  • The local sheriff and the resident state trooper buy their liquid refreshment from you.
  • You stock up on mothballs every spring. The crawl space under your house is covered in them. You’re NOT covered in snakes.
  • You call everyone older than you aunt or uncle.
  • You can cook on a wood cook stove.
  • Your kids have snow days because some of the kids have 10 times as much snow as they do in town.
  • You get caught in a DUI check point at 3 in the afternoon, and get an ankle bracelet with a large charm from the county.
  • You ride a horse or mule to work because you lost your license.
  • You borrow your neighbors license plate so you can drive into town.
  • The weatherman from town calls for a dusting of snow. You walk out into waist deep white fluffy stuff.
  • You KNOW that these mountains eat automatic transmissions. You can eat a moon pie, drink a coke and shift gears all at the same time.
  • You’ve been " maid of honor" in baggy sweats and your fuzzy Elmo house slippers.
  • Your dog has had the UPS man treed on top of his truck.
  • You know what a "mountain fiste" is. You also know that THAT is the proper spelling for 200 years, not the way the UKC and AKC spell it.
  • You’ve made like a hood ornament on a shopping cart while your cousin pushed it thru Winn-Dixie ( and totally embarrassed your {then} Yankee boyfriend.
  • You’ve embarrassed or scared half to death every Yankee boyfriend you’ve brought home to the holler to meet "the kin".
  • You don’t know a stranger.
  • "Family" ain’t necessarily blood kin. Lots of times they’re no relation at all.
  • You flew the stars and bars at half-mast when Cousin Minnie, Bill Monroe , Grandpa Jones and Dale Earnhardt crossed over the river.
  • You know what a goober pea is.
  • . . ."the old lady" , "the old man", "old woman", "old man" are terms of endearment the same as "honey" "sweetheart", etc.
  • You’d rather raise and can your food rather than go to the store.
  • You can’t wait for ramps and branch lettuce to come in season.
  • Mary has ever met you at the courthouse at midnight to renew your tag ‘cause it expired and you forgot about it and you have to drive out of state tomorrow and it’s a weekend.
  • The church bus comes and picks up your kids for church.
  • You don’t see anything unusual about a sign on a building saying "Freewill Baptist Church and Wheel Alignments".
  • Long lines in the store don’t upset you. Just start conversatin’ with the person behind of you.
  • You always plant by the signs.
  • .You’ve ever used the back of your pickup as a beer can disposal.
  • Turn signals are considered an optional accessory of vehicles.

Submitted by Karen, Roan Mountain, Tn formerly of Gettysburg, Pa

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Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition

Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.

The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

A new Pope's reign was shortly followed by a new Chief Rabbi. He was intrigued by this ritual, and that its origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, His Holiness calls him back.

"My brother," the Pope whispers, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history." The Pope said:"Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together; then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agrees.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.

As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opens it. They both gasped with shock -

It is a bill for the Last Supper from "Moishe the Caterer"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.

One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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When you think you are having a really bad morning  - Download Video

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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What some people do when it snows

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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Jan 12th Humor Page