Humor Selections for Feb 21st, 2011

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A girls' school  faced unique problem.

A number of 12 year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Girls' Cloakroom. Not only that, after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the Janitor would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the Head Master decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the Cloakroom and met them there with the Janitor. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the chap who had to clean the mirrors every night (You can just imagine the bored yawns from the little princesses.).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the Janitor to show the girls how much effort was required.

So the Janitor took out a long-handled squeegee mop, dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirrors with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors..

There are teachers...and then there are educators……

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England

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Man is a woman's best friend.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. To live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident and invincible.

No wait...... sorry....... I'm thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that.


Also submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England

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What it Really Means
  • "I can't find it," Really Means, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
  • "That's women's work," Really Means, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
  • "Will you marry me?" Really Means, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
  • "It's a guy thing," Really Means, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
  • "Can I help with dinner?" Really Means, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
  • "It would take too long to explain, "Really Means, "I have no idea how it works."
  • "I'm getting more exercise lately," Really Means, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
  • "We're going to be late," Really Means, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
  • "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "Really Means, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
  • "That's interesting, dear," Really Means, "Are you still talking?"
  • "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, Really Means, "I forgot our anniversary again."
  • "It's really a good movie," Really Means, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."
  • "You know how bad my memory is," Really Means, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
  • "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," Really Means, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
  • "I do help around the house," Really Means, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
  • "What did I do this time?" Really Means, "What did you catch me doing?"
  • "She's one of the rabid feminists," Really Means, "She refused to make my coffee."
  • "I heard you," Really Means, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
  • "You really look terrific in that outfit," Really Means, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
  • "I missed you," Really Means, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
  • "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," Really Means, "No one will ever see us alive again."
  • "We share the housework," Really Means, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
  • "I don't need to read the instructions," Really Means, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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As an instructor in driver education I've learned that even the brightest students...

... can become flustered behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do.
  • Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
  • Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
  • Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
  • What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
  • You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
  • What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
  • Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
  • Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
  • Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
  • I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
  • You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
  • Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
  • My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
  • If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
  • Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
  • If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
  • You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
  • Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, PA.

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Stupidity knows no boundaries - Download Vide

Rednecks are not only found in the the United States.  It's a state of mind, or mindless, it seems.  While lounging about the local automotive repair shop, these guys wanted to see what does happen when an airbag deploys.  They picked Bubbavich as test pilot!!

I wonder what his "ceiling" would have been if not for the roof.....

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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Cute Pictures ...

You may not be happy with dinner but you are going to eat it anyway!

It's not nice to mess with Mother Nature ...

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Feb 2nd Humor Page