Resolution #1:

• 1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
• 2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
• 2001: I will read 5 books a year.
• 2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief
• 2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
• 2004: I will read at least one article this year.
• 2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
• 2006: I will scan the headlines on the front page this year.
• 2007: I will bring the newspaper in from the lawn this year.

Resolution #2:

• 1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
• 2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
• 2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
• 2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
• 2003: I will work out 5 days a week.
• 2004: I will work out 3 days a week.
• 2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
• 2006: I will buy clothes that fit, but without too much room to grow.
• 2007: I will finish the chocolate.

Resolution #3:

• 1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
• 2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
• 2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
• 2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
• 2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
• 2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
• 2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.

Resolution #4:

• 2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
• 2003: I will not leave Marge.
• 2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
• 2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #5:

• 2002: I will stop looking at other women.
• 2003: I will not get involved with Wanda.
• 2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
• 2005: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #6:

• 2002: I will not let my boss push me around.
• 2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
• 2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
• 2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #7:

• 2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
• 2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
• 2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
• 2005: I will not speak to Charlie.

Resolution #8:

• 2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
• 2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
• 2004: I will not become a "problem drinker".
• 2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #9:

• 2002: I will see my dentist this year.
• 2003: I will have my cavities filled this year.
• 2004: I will have my root canal work done this year.
• 2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10:

• 2002: I will go to church every Sunday.
• 2003: I will go to church as often as possible.
• 2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
• 2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

• I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
• I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
• When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
• I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
• I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
• I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
• I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
• I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
• I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.
• When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
• I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.
• No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
• I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
• I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
• I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
• I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

• I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
• I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
• I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
• I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
• I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
• I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just because it is there.
• I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
• I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
• I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
• I CAN walk and potty at the same time. I can, I can, I can.
• I will NOT stop and potty every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
• I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
• My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to potty.
• I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile radius.
• I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
• I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
• I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while a human is mucking my stall.
• I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
• I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
• I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
• I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
• I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
• I accept that not every carrot is for me.
• I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
• I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a bicycle.
• I will understand that bicycles are NOT carnivorous.
• I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
• I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
• I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.

Submitted by Natalie, Mt. Airy, Md.
 

• Read less.
• Put on at least 30 pounds.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Watch more TV.
• New Years Resolutions
• Procrastinate more.
• Drink. Drink some more.
• Start being superstitious.
• Spend more time at work.
• Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.

and last but not least...

• Take up a new habit!

• Use as a doorstop
• Use as a paperweight
• Use to clean your pots and pans
• Use as boat anchor
• Use as bricks in fireplace
• Build a house with them
• Use it to hold up your Christmas tree
• Use as a pencil holder
• Give it to the cat for a scratching post
• Put it in the back yard to feed the birds and squirrels
• Hold up your car when changing tires
• Slice and use for poker chips
• Use it to carve your turkey on
• Use as replacement for Duraflame log
• Take it camping with you...use it to weigh down the tent
• Use it as a seat at a stadium event
• Stand on it when you change a lightbulb
• Put it in the back of your car/truck for snow/ice driving
• Replaces free weights when you work out
• Use as book ends at the school library

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May New Year's Eve find you seated around the table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends. May you find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been watching, and may your check book and your budget balance - and include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.

And may we live in a world at peace and with the awareness of God's love in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile, every lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

Submitted by Emmitsburg's former Mayor Ed

'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
while upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got  . . . you'll be paying all year!"

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales, there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared...

The wine and the rumballs, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to battle the dirt...
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter dressed like a man!"
So...away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or cornbread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore...

But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot

Happy New Years to All and to All a Good Diet