Humor Selections for Dec 12th, 2011


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Once upon a time there was a king in Lapland called Rudolph.

He had bright ginger hair so his people called him Rudolph the Red.

Now Rudolph the Red was bad-tempered and argued a lot. He gave his poor wife, Gertrude the Green, a terrible time. No matter what she said he had to argue.

One winter's day Gertrude the Green looked out of the palace window and said, 'Oh dear, it's snowing again. You'll have to clear the footpath before mother comes to tea.'

'Humph!' Rudolph the Red grunted. He didn't fancy shifting snow and he didn't want Gertrude the Green's mother coming to tea.

'That's not snow. It's rain!' he argued.

'But it's white and fluffy and drifting,' Gertrude the Green tried to tell him.

Rudolph the Red hid behind his newspaper and snapped, 'It's rain!'

Gertrude the Green became quite angry. 'Gertrude the Green knows snow, darling!'

'Yes,' retorted her husband. 'And Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!'

'What a great title for a song!' Gertrude the Green exclaimed.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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An Engineer's Christmas

Only an Engineer would spent the time coming up with all this.

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance—this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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A kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator...

... cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, the boy bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G"-"O"-"D"

"Look what I spelled, Mom!" he exclaimed, a proud smile on his face." That's wonderful!" the mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."

That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, she thought, happily. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.

"Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"

Submitted by Kelly, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.

And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
 

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Things to Remember During a War
  • The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
  • Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
  • Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
  • No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
  • No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
  • Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
  • Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
  • Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
  • You are not Tom Cruise.
  • SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
  • If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
  • If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
  • Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
  • Smart bombs have bad days too.
  • The best defense is to stay out of range.
  • If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."

Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad.

"What do you mean by calling that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," he replied. "He's in the Secret Service."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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So do you think math should be taught in school?  - Download Video

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, Ny.
 

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The last photo of a Moran

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
 

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