Humor Selections for August 8th, 2011

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I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.

"Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Just then, I realized I had a problem: how was I going to release the snake without getting bit?

So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in its mouth.

Life is good in the South.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Monday Morning Groaners
  • An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  • Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
  • A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
  • Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
  • I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
  • A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
  • I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  • A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
  • Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
  • Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
  • A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
  • Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  • A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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These are purported to be real personalized license plates for cars in the United States.
  • WUF WUF - On a Brown Rover
  • 2QT4U - 2 Cute for you
  • TUSKY - To ski
  • TIHS O - This one that works in the rear view mirror. This guy fooled the Ontario authorities.
  • 4MYEGO - On a Porsche.
  • BSSCLRNT - On a professional bass clarinetist' car.
  • BANDLADY - On a high school band teacher's car.
  • ORFFAN - On a car of music educator, who teaches using methods developed by Carl Orff.
  • SEWBIZ - On the car owned by a sewing machine dealership.
  • IDUNTOLU - Seen on a school principal's car. He was in charge of discipline.
  • GGR OOM - On a Horse Grooming Company car.
  • PN DCTR - On acupuncturist's car.
  • 6UL DV8 - Sexual Deviate
  • JUNK - On a 1993 GMC (jimmy). On a recycler of junk metals in Maryland.
  • ML8ML8 - I'm late, I'm late {for a very important date}, On a white Volkswagen Rabbit.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three...

... a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."

The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.

The golfer was insulted and proceeded to berate the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he under estimate his game.

So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.

He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one heck of a putt..."

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How dry is it in Texas?

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

I was visiting online with a buddy in Austin and he said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.

A friend in southwest Texas told me the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice

to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

But just this week, here in Stephenville , a man said he saw a fire hydrant bribing a dog.

In Proctor Lake, another friend caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!

Man, it's been hot and dry!

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Ultimate Dog Tease - Download Video

Submitted by Cathy, Storington, England

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What You're Reading at Every Stage of Your Life

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