Humor Selections for August 15th, 2011

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A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece...

... was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Tips with English Grammar
  • Don't abbrev.
  • Check to see if you any words out.
  • Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
  • About sentence fragments.
  • When dangling, don't use participles.
  • Don't use no double negatives.
  • Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
  • Just between You and i, case is important.
  • Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
  • Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
  • Its important to use apostrophe's right.
  • It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
  • Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
  • Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should.
  • begin with a capital and end with a period
  • Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
  • In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
  • Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
  • Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
  • Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
  • A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
  • Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
  • A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
  • Avoid clichés like the plague.

Submitted by Katie, Gettysburg, Pa.

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The laws of Golf
  • No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
  • Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
  • Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
  • Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a of the universe and should be cut down.
  • No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath of the universe.
  • The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
  • Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
  • Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
  • Palm trees eat golf balls.
  • Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
  • Golf carts always run out of power at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
  • A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
  • All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
  • Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See 3).
  • A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
  • "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
  • The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
  • The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
  • Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
  • All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.
Submitted by Barney, Narberth, Pa.

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Ingenious Analogies
  • The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
  • The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
  • He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
  • The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
  • She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
  • She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
  • "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1abeer night.
  • Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
  • The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
  • The red brick wall was the colour of a brickred Crayola crayon.
  • She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
  • Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
  • Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
  • It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
  • He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
  • The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr on a Dr Pepper can.
  • It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
  • He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
  • The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  • Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  • They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
  • John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  • He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
  • Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
  • Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
  • He was as tall as a sixfoot, three-inch tree.
  • The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
  • The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
  • The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
  • He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
  • The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
  • Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
  • The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.
  • I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Gesch-pooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don't know the name for those either.
  • McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
  • From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
  • Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
  • Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
  • His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances, like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
  • He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  • She grew on him like she was a colony of e-coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
  • She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
  • Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  • Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
  • The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
  • He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.
  • Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
  • They were as good friends as the people on "Friends."
  • Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein's Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spam-burgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
  • She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn.
  • Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
  • It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
  • You know how in "Rocky" he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
  • The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
  • The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a jpeg file at 10 per cent cyan, 10 per cent magenta, 60 per cent yellow and 10 per cent black.

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A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot...

..., looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign. "Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.

She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine ?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Rice Fields of Japan

Looks ordinary enough... but watch as the rice grows!

Stunning crop art has sprung up across rice fields in Japan, but this is no alien creation. The designs have been cleverly planted! Farmers creating the huge displays use no ink or dye.

Instead, different colour rice plants have been precisely and strategically arranged and grown in the paddy fields. As summer progresses and the plants shoot up, the detailed artwork begins to emerge.

A Sengoku warrior on horseback has been created from hundreds of thousands of rice plants.

The colours are created by using different varieties of rice plants, whose leaves grow in certain colours.  This photo was taken in Inakadate, Japan.

Napoleon on horseback can be seen from the skies.

This was created by precision planting and months of planning by villagers and farmers located in Inkadate, Japan.

Fictional warrior Naoe Kanetsugu and his wife, Osen, whose lives are featured on the television series 'Tenchijin' appear in fields in the town of Yonezawa in the Yamagata prefecture of Japan.

This year, various artwork has popped up in other rice-farming areas of Japan, including designs of deer dancers.

Smaller works of 'crop-art' can be seen in other rice-farming areas of Japan such as this image of Doraemon and deer dancers.

The farmers create the murals by planting little purple and yellow-leafed Kodaimai rice along with their local green-leafed Tsugaru, a Roman variety, to create the coloured patterns in the time between planting and harvesting in September. 

The murals in Inakadate cover 15,000 square meters of paddy fields.

From ground level, the designs are invisible, and viewers have to climb the mock castle tower of the village office to get a glimpse of the work.

Closer to the image, the careful placement of the thousands of rice plants in the paddy fields can be seen.

Rice-paddy art was started there in 1993 as a local revitalization project, an idea that grew from meetings of the village committees.

The different varieties of rice plants grow alongside each other to create the masterpieces. In the first nine years, the village office workers and local farmers grew a simple design of Mount Iwaki every year. But their ideas grew more complicated and attracted more attention. > In 2005, agreements between land owners allowed the creation of enormous rice paddy art. A year later,

organizers used computers to precisely plot the planting of four differently colored rice varieties that bring the images to life!

Truly a Work of Art!!

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Aug 8th Humor Page