Humor Selections for April 8th, 2011

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A minister was giving the children's message during church.

For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The minister breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.

"Well," said the boy, "I know the answer you're looking for is supposed to be 'Jesus' ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Why the idiot's application for Medical School got rejected.....

Question: Define the Following Terms

  • Antibody: against everyone
  • Artery: the study of fine paintings
  • Bacteria: back door to a cafeteria
  • Benign: what you have after eight
  • Cardiology: advance study of poker playing
  • Cat Scan: searching for lost kitty
  • Chronic: neck of a crow
  • Coma: Punctuation mark
  • Cyst: short of Sister
  • Diagnosis: person with slanted nose
  • Dislocation: in this place
  • Duodenum: couple in jeans
  • Enema: not a friend
  • False Labor: pretending to work
  • Gallbladder: bladder in a girl
  • Hernia: she is close by
  • Hymen: greeting to several males
  • Labor Pain: hut at work
  • Lactose: person without digits on
  • Liposuction: a French Kiss
  • Lymph : walk unsteadily
  • Menopause: I no wait
  • Microbes: small dressing gowns
  • Obesity: city of Obe
  • Pacemaker: winner of Nobel Peace Prize
  • Protein: a favour of teens
  • Pulse: grain
  • Pus: small cat
  • Red Blood Count: Dracula
  • Rupture: ecstasy
  • Secretion: hiding anything
  • Serum: Sailors drink
  • Subcutaneous: not cute enough
  • Suture: Gujarati word for "what do you want"
  • Tablet: small table

Submitted by Ray, King of Prussia, Pa.

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One semester an art-student asked a friend if he could paint his portrait for a class assignment.

The friend  agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.

"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."

The next day, the art student brought his friend to see the professor. He took one look at the friend and said, "Okay, A minus."

Submitted by Paul, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Thomson Airways Passenger Briefing - Download Video

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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