Humor Selections for April 6th, 2011

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If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts...

... and thinking things through, you will love this!

A company ,feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here."

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Submitted by Steve, Germantown, Md.

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A man is sitting at home on the porch with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me - talking to the beer."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area...

... suddenly loses power and starts to nose down.  The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

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When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
  • USA Today: We're dead
  • The Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones plummets as world ends
  • National Enquirer: Jon and Kate, together again
  • Microsoft Systems Journal: Apple loses market share
  • Victoria's Secret catalog: Our final sale
  • Sports Illustrated: Game over
  • Wired: The last new thing
  • Rolling Stone: the Grateful Dead Reunion Tour
  • Readers Digest: 'Bye’
  • Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?
  • Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 lbs by judgment day with our new "Armageddon" diet!
  • America Online: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.
  • Inc. Magazine: Ten ways you can profit from the Apocalypse
  • Time Magazine: Renew your subscription for eternity

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My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes.

I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.

He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Here are some actual answers from he game show Family Fortunes in the UK

  • Name something a blind person might use: a sword

  • Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon

  • Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin

  • Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar

  • Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde

  • Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse

  • Name something that floats in the bath: water

  • Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair

  • Name something red: my cardigan

  • Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers

  • Name a famous royal: mail

  • Name a number you have to memorize: 7

  • Name something you do before going to bed: sleep

  • Name something you put on walls: roofs

  • Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow

  • Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes

  • Name something you might be allergic to: skiing

  • Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters

  • Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet

  • Name a continent: Italy

  • Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate

  • Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog

  • Name something slippery: a con man

  • Name a kind of ache: a pancake

  • Name a food that can be brown or white: potato

  • Name a potato topping: jam

  • Name a famous Scotsman: Jock

  • Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones

  • Name something with a hole in it: window

  • Name a non-living object with legs: plant

  • Name a domestic animal: leopard

  • Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee

  • Name a way of cooking fish: cod

  • Name something you clean: your sister

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Things That Make You Say..."Dear Jesus Help Me!"


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March 30th Humor Page