Humor Selections for April 15th, 2011

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A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove...

... seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

" a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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The Parable of the Eagle

James Aggrey

Once upon a time, while walking through the forest, a certain man found a young eagle. He took it home and put it in his barnyard where it soon learned to eat chicken feed and to behave as chickens behave.

One day, a naturalist who was passing by inquired of the owner why it was that an eagle, the king of all birds, should be confined to live in the barnyard with the chickens.

"Since I have given it chicken feed and trained it to be a chicken, it has never learned to fly." replied the owner. "It behaves as chickens behave, so it is no longer an eagle."

"Still," insisted the naturalist, "it has the heart of an eagle and can surely be taught to fly."

After talking it over, the two men agreed to find out whether this was possible. Gently, the naturalist took the eagle in his arms and said, "You belong to the sky and not to the earth. Stretch forth your wings and fly."

The eagle, however, was confused; he did not know who he was, and seeing the chickens eating their feed, he jumped down to be with them again.

Undismayed, the naturalist took the eagle, on the following day, up on the roof of the house and urged him again, "You are an eagle. Stretch forth your wings and fly." But the eagle was afraid of his unknown self and world and jumped down once more for the chicken feed.

On the third day, the naturalist rose early and took the eagle out of the barnyard to a high mountain. There, he held the king of birds high above him and encouraged him again, saying, "You are an eagle. You belong to the sky as well as the earth. Stretch forth your wings now, and fly."

The eagle looked around, back toward the barnyard and up to the sky. Still he did not fly.

Then the naturalist lifted him straight toward the sun and it happened that the eagle began to tremble and slowly he stretched his wings. At last, with a triumphant cry, he soared away into the heavens.

It may be that the eagle still remembers the chickens with nostalgia; it may even be that he occasionally revisits the barnyard. But as far as anyone knows, he has never returned to lead the life of a chicken. He was an eagle even though he had been kept and tamed as a chicken.

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK.

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Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game.

The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.

They were the first roller coasters.

Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.

They called them ferrous wheels.

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Flying Oneliners
  • "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." -- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
  • "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
  • "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."  -- From an old carrier sailor
  • "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
  • "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies."
  • "Never trade luck for skill."
  • "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
  • "Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
  • "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
  • "When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
  • "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
  • "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
  • "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

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I got some new aftershave today that smells like bread crumbs, the birds love it!

  • David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in English.
  • I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.?
  • An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking – apparently they were Allied Carpets!?
  • On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought what a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.
  • The school should pay me to skip class. Call it a "tuition refund", if you will.
  • A Pessimist is what an Optimist calls a Realist.
  • I was wondering where my boomerang had landed - and then it came to me.
  • There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
  • Scars: Tattoos with better stories.
  • Loved are the ones who are told of their faults in private.
  • A:\ B:\ C:\ - Alphabet of a new generation.
  • Look after your wife; never mind yourself--she'll look after you.
  • Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  • Say nothing . . . often.
  • Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.
  • All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
  • Everything is always okay in the end. If it's not, it's not the end.
  • You non-conformists are all alike.
  • Sign on a synagogue: Under same management for 5,765 years.
  • The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.
  • A genius is someone who is screwed up in a useful way.
  • Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water.
  • When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Why AARP Sells Insurance - Download Video

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl

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Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.

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April 13th Humor Page