Humor Selections for Sept 3rd, 2010

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My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch...

... in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall.

"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I found."

I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.

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During a practical exercise at a military police base...

..., the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"

The student replied, "BIG ones."

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A couple of young glow worm chicks decide to check out the new nightspot...

... ‘The Buzz’. They're told it’s hot, and they like action. The bouncers, a couple of stagbeetles, wave them in, and they find themselves a table and look round. A passing butterfly fills their bowls with an eerily glowing nectar, and they begin to enjoy themselves. The cricket band is making real  good noise, the floor is packed with jumpers, they wave to a couple of friends, when suddenly a hush falls over everything.

A drum roll, and there, slowly making their way across the floor are a couple of the most outrageous things they have ever seen. Wings painted in black and gold, bristles in shocking red, black and gold threads through their antennae, they look weird.

"Oh my god," says one glow worm. "That’s awful. Who do they think they are?"

"Take no notice, love," replies the other. "They’re just a couple of goth moth."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Basic rules for dogs who have a yard to protect
  • Newspapers: if you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
  • Visitors: quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
  • Barking: because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
  • Licking: always take a big drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
  • Holes: rather than digging a big hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
  • Doors: the area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
  • The art of sniffing: humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
  • Dining etiquette: always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
  • Housebreaking: housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
  • Going for walks: rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
  • Couches: it is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
  • Playing: if you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
  • Chasing cats: when chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
  • Chewing: make a contribution to the fashion industry. a shoe.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start in on you!
  • The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree, and think 25 to life would be appropriate. -Jay Leno
  • America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. -Jay Leno
  • Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. -Conan O'Brien
  • Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. -Jay Leno
  • Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. -David Letterman
  • Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? A: America! -Jimmy Fallon
  • Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? A: Bo has papers. -Jimmy Kimmel
  • Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. -David Letterman

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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You must be a redneck if..

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Sept 1st Humor Page