Humor Selections for Sept 17th, 2010

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A blond, driving along in her new sports car suddenly cuts in front of a tandem-trailer...

..., making the driver stamp on the brakes to avoid an accident. He roared past her, pulled up in front of the sports, and stormed out of the cab. "Did you see what you did back there?" He roared. You cut me off. You nearly caused me to ram right into you. What have you got to say to that, eh!"

"Me? Oh, my, I'd never do a thing like that. I'm a good driver."

"Oh yeah? Well, watch this." He took a piece of chalk from his pocket and drew a circle on the road near the rig. "Now you stand in this circle, see, and you DO NOT MOVE. Got it?"

"Sure," says the blond, and stands in the ring.

The driver grabs a crowbar from the truck and smashes the windscreen on the sports.

Turning round, he yells "There. That'll…" But he can't continue, as the blond is giggling, then laughing out loud at his expression.

Taking no lip, he smashes the other windows; again she's laughing fit to kill. So he attacks the bodywork and soon the car's a wreck. "Look what you made me do," he screams at her. "Your car's a wreck. What do you say to that?"

Still giggling, she says, "Oh you didn't see me, but I was jumping out of the circle when you weren't looking."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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A school teacher was quizzing her students.

"Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

He said, "Darn if I know."

She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe.

She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

"Well, heck, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."

The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that darn thing, heck, you darn well better admit it!"

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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One liners on ageing
  • Age doesn't matter, unless you're a cheese." --Billie Burke
  • "An old-timer is someone who can remember when a naughty child was taken to the woodshed instead of to a psychiatrist." --David Greenberg
  • "Time and tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty." --Robert Frost
  • "Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week." --Maggie Kuhn
  • "Inside every 70-year-old is a 35-year-old asking, 'What happened?'" --Ann Landers
  • "You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing." --Michael Pritchard
  • "Always be nice to your children, because they are the ones who will choose your rest home." --Phyllis Diller
  • "From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35, she needs good looks. From 35 to 55, she needs a good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash." --Sophie Tucker
  • "Retirement must be wonderful. I mean, you can suck in your stomach for only so long." --Burt Reynolds
  • "Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years. People grow old only by deserting their ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up interest wrinkles the soul."--Douglas MacArthur
  • "Old age is always 15 years older than I am." --Bernard Baruch
  • "It has been said that there is no fool like an old fool, except a young fool. But the young fool has first to grow up to be an old fool to realize what a damn fool he was when he was a young fool." --Harold Macmillan
  • "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." --Lucille Ball
  • "You're only young once, but you can be immature all your life." --Charles Scoggins
  • "I just don't think of age and time in respect of years. I have too much experience of people in their seventies who are vigorous and useful and people who are thirty-five who are in lousy physical shape and can't think straight. I don't think age has that much to do with it." --Harrison Ford
  • "Old age is no place for sissies." --Bette Davis
  • "It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." -Jackie Mason
  • "The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older." --Doug Larson
  • "I used to dread getting older, because I thought I would not be able to do all the things I wanted to do, but now that I am older, I find that I don't want to do them." --Lady Nancy Astor
  • "A man is as old as the woman he feels." --Groucho Marx
  • "As a senior citizen, you may as well learn to laugh at yourself. Everyone else is." --Judy Huffman
  • "Laughter doesn't require teeth." --Wil Newton

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Excuses, excuses...
  • Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favourites. By the way, none of them worked.
  • A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
  • A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.
  • A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."
  • An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
  • A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburettor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
  • "I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
  • When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Express way was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
  • One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
  • An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"

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