Humor Selections for Sept 15th, 2010

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2010 Election Jokes

  • I've heard of the Tea Party and the Coffee Party, but I'm waiting for the Free Beer Party!
  • American conservatives may claim to be conservative, but when it comes to defense spending, they are certainly liberal.
  • We have the best politicians money can buy because that's the only way most of them get elected in first place.
  • Rep. Mark Souder of Indiana resigned after getting into a sex scandal. Evidently, some politicians take the task of "screwing the voters" too literally.
  • Souder said that he was very, very sorry that it happened and that he will try not to get caught again.
  • Dan Coats, a Washington lobbyist, is running for the U.S. Senate in Indiana. A Washington lobbyist as a U.S. Senator? Well, that would be one way to cut out the middleman.
  • The last time Dick Lugar ran for the U.S. Senate, the Democrats couldn't find anyone to run against him. I guess no one wanted to oppose a man whose name sounded like a gun. If anyone thinks that they can beat Lugar, they just don't know Dick.
  • I could believe that Sarah Palin is the leader of the Tea Party. I mean, who else could lead a tea party except for a mad hatter?
  • You know you've got a bad judge if he farts and yells, "Odor in the court!"
  • An article about Mitt Romney mistakenly said that he had five wives instead of having five sons. I guess that they just got him mixed up some of his ancestors.
  • Sarah Palin said that she could blow a moose away. I suppose that's either with a shotgun or with her mouth.
  • Sen. Scott Brown said in a speech that his daughters were available. I'm sure that they were just tickled pink that their dad told millions of people that they can't find dates.
Submitted by David, Fort Wayne, IN

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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells . . . . . .


Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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One Liners ...
  • Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.
  • A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  • Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
  • Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
  • To sit alone with my conscience will be judgement enough for me.
  • An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes stairs
  • When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
  • The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
  • What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do "without"?
  • If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
  • 18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree
  • It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
  • Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
  • Today is the last day of your life, so far.
  • No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions.
  • People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
  • One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.
  • I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government spends 7.
  • You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.
  • No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
  • The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't hold it.
  • The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
  • If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.
  • Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
  • The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Things your Mother would NEVER say...
  • Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
  • Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
  • That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
  • Why don't you hitch-hike? It would totally be cheaper.
  • The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
  • Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
  • Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
  • Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A look at how the Euro is financed - Download Video

Submitted by Cathy, Stonington, UK.

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Sept 10th Humor Page