Humor Selections for Oct 20th, 2010

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A man is struck by a bus on a busy street.

He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd and yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE!"

Out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age.

Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay. He kneels down, leans over the prostrate man and says in a solemn voice:

B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72.

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Why men are so cheerful
  • Your last name stays put.
  • The garage is all yours.
  • Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  • Chocolate is just another snack.
  • You can be president.
  • You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  • Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  • You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
  • Same work, more pay.
  • Wrinkles add character.
  • Wedding dress - $5,000; Tux rental - $100.
  • People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  • The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  • New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  • One mood, ALL the time.
  • Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  • You know stuff about tanks.
  • A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  • You can open all your own jars.
  • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  • If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
  • Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
  • If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
  • Everything on your face stays its original color.
  • Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  • You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or bolt.
  • You almost never have strap problems in public.
  • You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  • The same hair style lasts for years, maybe for decades.
  • You don't have to shave below your neck.
  • Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  • One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
  • You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
  • You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
  • You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

So there you have it!

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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Pat and Mike came to this country together some years ago.

They married sisters and have lived in the same block, and visited the same bar together all this time. Pat becomes ill, and is taken to the hospital, where he is visited by Mike. who upon entering the room remarks how good Pat looks. Pat is having none of that and tells Mike that he is sure that he, Pat is dying and will not last much longer.

Pat then asks if Mike he will do one last thing for him when he "is dead and gone" Mike agrees.

Pat sys, "when I'm gone and buried, and the priest has had his say, will you take a wee shot of Dugans Dew, which we've drunk together since coming over from the old country, and pore it over me grave stone so I can quench me thurst in me trials and tribulations.

Mike, taken back. gives his friend a long, loving look and says; "Pat t'is the least I can do as close as we've been, but I've just one question.

Pat, with a weakening voice; "Oh, I knew there would be one!"

Mike; "do you mind if I pass it through me kidneys first?"

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown. Pa.

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A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.

As the night went by no cars passed him. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop..

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a bar and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, and one said to the other. "Look Bubba, that's the jerk who climbed into the car while we were pushing."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Driving in Afghanistan ...

Submitted by Marianna, Columbia, Md.

Oct 18 Humor Page