Fall classes for women at the adult learning center

Note: due to the complexity and difficulty level Of their contents, class sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum.

Class 1: Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat - Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2: Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5: Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6: How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program. - Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7: Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? - Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8: Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! - Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9: I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. - Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10: How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.- Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11: Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12: How to Shop by Yourself. - Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

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Two Chimps and a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man approached her car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble.'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seats. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when saw something which horrified him! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had change left over, so now we're going to SeaWorld.

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• You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
• You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
• You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
• For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
• You don't know what a moon pie is.
• You've never had grain alcohol.
• You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
• You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
• You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
• You have no idea what a polecat is.
• Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
• You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
• You don't have bangs.
• You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
• More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
• You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
• Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
• You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
• You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife show.
• You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
• You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
• The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on*ramp on the highway.
• You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
• The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
• You call binoculars opera glasses.
• You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
• You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
• You don't know what appliqued is.
• Most of your formative high school experiences took place within the context of a football game.
• You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
• You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
• You've never been to a craft show.
• You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
• You can't do your laundry without quarters.
• None of your fur coats are homemade.

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I just got my new cell phone, - and it's one I understand how to operate!!! You really have to be old to appreciate this joke.

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Nov 1st Humor Page