Humor Selections for Nov 19th, 2010

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Truths for Mature Humans

  • I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  • Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
  • I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
  • There is great need for a sarcasm font.
  • How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
  • Was learning cursive really necessary?
  • Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  • Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  • I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
  • Bad decisions make good stories.
  • You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
  • Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
  • I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
  • I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  • I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
  • I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
  • I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
  • I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  • How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
  • I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
  • Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
  • Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
  • Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
  • The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Submitted by Tim, Orlando, Fl.

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Charlie's wife, Debbie, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Debbie was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Debbie wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Debbie tried to lighten the
embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've
seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed." 

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK.

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See if you can translate the following into the familiar sayings we've all heard?
  1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.
  2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
  3. Surveillance should precede salutations
  4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely cutaneous profundity
  5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.
  6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
  7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore.
  8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
  9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion.
  10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 212 F'.
  11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
  12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.


  1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
  2. Birds of a feather, flock together.
  3. Think before you speak.
  4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
  5. Don't cry over spilled milk.
  6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
  7. The pen is mightier than the sword.
  8. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
  9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.
  10. A watched pot doesn't boil.
  11. All that glitters is not gold.
  12. Where there's smoke, there's fire.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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What Thanksgiving Is Good For
  • Finding four cans of yams that you bought last year at the back of the pantry. Or was it the year before, or the year before that, etc. ?
  • It used to be about the Pilgrims coming together to invite their native guests for a grateful meal. Now itís a grateful family coming together to watch pro football games.
  • Abe Lincoln is supposed to begin Thanksgiving day in 1861. He did it because nobody gave him any turkey the last year, and he wanted some, officially.
  • It is the original starting day for the Christmas buying season. Now it is in March.
  • It is the READY, GET SET day for the big shopping day on Friday. Everybody gets stuffed and rested on Thanksgiving so they can GO at 4 am to Wal-Mart.
  • Only school children and their teacher remember the Indians on Thanksgiving, it is the one day we realize which type of "Indians" we are talking about.
  • We also remember that the Pilgrims, the same group that was oppressed in England, were themselves a strict religious society in Massachusetts eventually oppressing Indians.
  • We remember that the Kennedy family only celebrated the holiday in Hyannisport. They did not start the holiday. Excepting for that and the Red Sox, Celtics, and the Irish there, this is all that outsiders know about Massachusetts.
  • We remember Elmer J Smutz, the fictitious inventor of the marshmallow fluff, which is spread on everything for some reason on Thanksgiving.
  • The newspaper columns and the television cooking show finally end the topic of what to do with all of the leftovers.
  • You remember the wheelbarrow to put Uncle Herby out of the house after he has eaten too much again.

Submitted by Bruce Cold Harbor, Ill.

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What if we had an Italian President? - Download Video
Submitted by Bruce Cold Harbor, Ill.

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Two guys who really shouldn't sit together ...

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Nov 17th Humor Page