Humor Selections for Nov 1st, 2010

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A lawyer and two friends - a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man...

...had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two of you to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one night." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

A little while later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just cannot sleep in the barn. There is a pig in there, and my faith states that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reccurs. There is a knock at the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. My religion considers cows sacred and I cannot sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to sleep in the barn. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn to spend the night. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Sixteen Steps to Build a Campfire

  1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

  2. Bandage left thumb.

  3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

  4. Bandage left foot.

  5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).

  6. Light Match.

  7. Light Match.

  8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

  9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.

  10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

  11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

  12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."

  13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

  14. Re-label can to read "gasoline."

  15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

  16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps 1-15.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Top 10 Signs You Smoke Too Much

  • In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break."

  • Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.

  • Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown."

  • Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.

  • Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap.

  • In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying. "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts...".

  • You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.

  • You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys."

  • You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women...

  • You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
  • You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
  • If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
  • Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
  • Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
  • A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
  • Guns function normally every day of the month.
  • A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
  • A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And The Number One Reason Why Some Men Prefer Guns Over Women...

  • You can buy a silencer for a gun!
Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!

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A trip to the center of the earth - Download Slide Show

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!

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The photograph below was taken at a competition involving 9 women...

... for best makeover.  They had every possible beauty treatment available to them over a period of 12 hours before the contest. Look at the before and after photos. Conclusion - there are no plain women only poor women. The woman 2nd from the left won the contest.

- Beer has the same effect....

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Oct 29th Humor Page