Humor Selections for May 7th, 2010

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A teacher asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" ...

...and called on one of the boys to answer first. "Rome was built at night." was his answer.

"At night?" asked the teacher, holding her ruler firmly in her boney-knuckled hands. "How ever did you get such an idea?"

"Well," gulped the student, hoping his answer would satisfy her, "everyone knows Rome wasn't built in a day."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Time to do the inner-blonde test!

Pay close attention! There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them all in 5 minutes. DO NOT look at the answers found at the end of this document, that would be cheating! Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!

  1. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?
  2. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills taken?
  3. I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being woken by the alarm?
  4. Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?
  5. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?
  6. If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?
  7. A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What colour is the bear?
  8. Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?
  9. How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?
  10. If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver?


Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Good Puns
  • Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
  • A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative
  • I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
  • If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
  • Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
  • A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • Without geometry, life is pointless.
  • When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
  • Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
  • When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
  • Alarms: What an octopus is.
  • Dockyard: A physician's garden.
  • Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

Did You Hear About The...?

  • Brake company on the skids?
  • Bra manufacturers that went bust?
  • Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
  • Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
  • Baker who was short of dough?
  • Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?
  • Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
  • Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
  • Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?
  • Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
  • Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
  • The train company that went off the rails?
  • The ship building company that sunk?
  • The dental practice that was rotten to its roots?
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Three tourists climbed up a tower ...

... and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.

The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps.

The second threw his watch and made only tow steps before hearing his watch shatter.

The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to to the tower in time to catch the watch."

How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.

"My watch is 30 minutes slow."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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  1. All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
  2. 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.
  3. 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
  4. 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
  5. 9 live sheep.
  6. The match.
  7. White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
  9. None. It was Noah, not Moses.
  10. YOU are the driver.

Grading Scale (out of 10)

  • 10 Genius
  • 9 Mensa Member
  • 8 Engineer
  • 7 Student
  • 6 High school pupil
  • 5 Primary school pupil
  • 4 Teacher
  • 3 College lecturer
  • 2 University lecturer
  • 1 Member of Congress
  • 0 Blonde

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African Road Signs...


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May 3rd Humor Page