Humor Selections for May 28th, 2010

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Observations on Growing Older
  • Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them ...but your grandchildren are perfect!
  • Going out is good. Coming home is better!
  • When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"
  • When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything .... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
  • You forget names ... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
  • The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
  • You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... especially golf. ~Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
  • The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
  • Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
  • Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
  • You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married ... Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
  • You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
  • When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem .... were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
  • You use more 4 letter words .... "what?"..."when?" ???
  • Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
  • Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M. week it will be 8:30 P.M.
  • You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
  • Now that your husband has retired .... you'd give anything if he'd find a job!
  • You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never
Submitted by Betty, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university...

... and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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What Has Happen to Oz in 70 Years
  • Tin Man was taken and traded in for a Nissan Versa during "Cash For Clunkers".
  • Cowardly Lion gets is yearly rabies vaccination, became the head of the O.I.A., the Oz Intelligence Agency, which was headed for a long time by the Scarecrow. Scarecrow had to resign because like the C.I.A. management, he didn't have a brain.
  • Toto got neutered and settled down for a leisurely life with Leona Helmsley.
  • Dorothy had an insatiable desire for the munchkins, had an affair with three of them, got an incurable disease and spent time in an asylum in a ward containing herself, and the Good Witch of the South who was not in the movie. "Goody" used to diddle with the flying monkeys.
  • The Wizard returned from Kansas as a wayward astronaut who crashed into the Emerald City and became a pitchman for Corn Flakes.
  • Members of the "Lollipop Guild" were featured in last year's Emerald City Gay Pride Parade.
  • Glinda was featured recently on "Dancing with the Stars" with partner "The Horse of a Different Color." She chose him because of his reputation as a "hoofer."
  • The Wicked Witch retired to Florida, where she was arrested for an illegal left-hand turn on her broomstick outside Fort Lauderdale. Sentenced for three days in the slammer, she escaped by flying away clinging to a mop left by mistake by a janitor.
  • Zeke, Hickory and Hunk disappeared, as they were judged as figments of someone's imagination and not real.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, I'll

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Phorism: A short, pointed sentence expressing a wise or clever observation or a general truth
  • The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
  • Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
  • If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense.
  • Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
  • A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
  • How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
  • Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how man people a company can operate without.
  • Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
  • Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
  • No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
  • There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
  • There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
  • No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
  • I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
  • Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
  • The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
  • Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
  • Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Smart Car.
  • After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!! 20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.
  • "I'd rather go through life sober believing I'm an alcoholic, than go through life drunk, trying to prove I'm not."
  • "Occasionally let your mind wander; it knows how to get home."

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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Wonderful Photos


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May 26th Humor Page