Humor Selections for May 24th, 2010

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow...

... with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"

The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'"

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, PA.

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At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle...

... there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels.

A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in.

When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Gramma, could I have a quarter?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning...

... when the loud-speaker announced: "Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Discontinue all unnecessary work."

An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement:

"Resume all unnecessary work."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Master List of Mom Wisdom/Sayings

Predictable Mom

  • Eat your vegetables, they're good for you.
  • I can always tell when you're lying.
  • If God had wanted you to have holes in your ears (Ö tongue, eyebrows...) He would have put them there!
  • If you could stay out last night, you can get up this morning.
  • If you're too full to finish your dinner, you're too full for dessert.
  • If you're too sick to go to school, you're too sick to play outside.
  • When you have kids of your own you'll understand.
  • When you have your own house then you can make the rules!
  • It's no use crying over spilt milk.
  • You won't be happy until you break that, will you?
  • Beds are NOT made for jumping on.
  • Cupcakes are NOT a breakfast food!
  • Go play outside! It's a beautiful day!
  • Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident.
  • If you don't learn how to cook, no one is going to want to marry you.
  • You're the oldest. You should know better.
  • You can't find it? Well, where did you leave it last?
  • Someone is going to end up crying.
  • Go to your room and think about what you did!
  • The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
  • When I was a little girl...

Nagging Mom

  • Clean up after yourself!
  • Did you brush your teeth?
  • Did you clean your room?
  • Did you comb your hair?
  • Did you flush?
  • Do your homework!
  • Is your homework finished?
  • Isn't it past your bedtime?
  • Ok, but first take out the garbage.
  • Put your sweater on; donít you think I know when you are cold?
  • Wipe your feet!
  • You made your bed, now lie in it.
  • Don't talk with your mouth full!
  • Be good.
  • You could have called.

Lazy Mom

  • Ask your Father.
  • Don't ask me WHY. The answer is NO.
  • Don't make me come in there!
  • Don't make me get up!
  • Don't run in the house.
  • Enough is enough!
  • How many times do I have to tell you?
  • I don't care what all the other kids get to do.
  • I don't have to explain myself. I said no.
  • I'm going to give you until the count of three...
  • I'm not going to ask you again.
  • No.
  • I didn't ask who put it there, I said "Pick it up!"
  • You can't find it? Well, I can't find it for you I'm not the maid!
  • Who died and left you boss?
  • When did your last slave die?
  • Pick that up before somebody trips on it and breaks their neck!
  • Are your hands broken? Pick it up yourself! I'm not your maid!
  • Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up?
  • No, I don't know where your socks are, its not my day to watch them!
  • You can't find it? Well, if you'd put things where they belonged, you wouldn't have this problem.
  • Nobody asked you.

Confused Mom

  • Who do you think you are?
  • Who do you think you're talking to?
  • Do you think I'm made of money?
  • Who said life was going to be easy?
  • Am I talking to a brick wall?
  • All I do is follow you around, picking up after you like some maid.
  • A little "birdy" told me!
  • I'm not your cleaning lady!
  • I'm not your maid!
  • I'm not your waitress!
  • No child of MINE would do something like that.
  • Stop acting like your father!
  • What did I say the FIRST time?
  • At work my mind's on the children, at home I think of the office.
  • Youíre just like your father.
  • Are you deaf or something?
  • What part of NO don't you understand?

Chicken Mom

  • Be careful!
  • Call me when you get there, just so I know you're okay.
  • Going to a party? Leave a phone number in case I need to call.
  • Going to a party? Who's going to be there?
  • Going to a party? Will the parents be home?
  • I would have never talked to MY mother like that!
  • Do not put that in your mouth; you do not know where it has been!
  • Put that down! You don't know where it's been!
  • You can't start the day on an empty stomach.

Selfish Mom

  • I don't buy snacks to feed the neighbourhood!
  • I hope you don't kiss me with that mouth!
  • I just want what's best for you.
  • If I want your opinion I'll ask for it!
  • If youíre going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.
  • I'm not always going to be around to do these things for you.
  • Don't stay up too late!
  • Do what I say, not what I do.
  • I'm not running a taxi service.
  • You don't always get what you want. It's a hard lesson, but you might as well learn it now.
  • Just wait until we get home.
  • Shut the door! I'm not heating the entire neighbourhood!
  • So it's raining? You're not sugar -you won't melt.
  • So what if Sally's mom let her do it? If Sally's mom let her jump off the Empire State Building, would you want me to let you do it too?
  • Why? Because I SAID so, that's why!
  • You must think rules are made to be broken.
  • I don't care who started it, I said stop!
  • Money does NOT grow on trees.
  • This hurts me more than it hurts you.

Exaggerator Mom

  • Eat everything on your plate. There are starving children all over the world who would be glad to trade places with you.
  • How can you have nothing to wear? Your closet is FULL of clothes!
  • Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back.
  • If I told you once, Iíve told you a million times.
  • Life isn't fair.
  • Look at this room! It looks like a pigsty!
  • There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who donít have wonderful parents like you do.
  • There's enough dirt in those ears to grow potatoes!
  • This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.
  • Turn off that light. Do you think we own the electric company?
  • Well, people in Hell want ice water too!
  • When I was young we had respect for our elders, now look at the world!
  • When I was your age, I had to walk ten miles through the snow, uphill, by myself, to go to school.
  • You kids are trying to drive me crazy!
  • You'd forget your head if it wasn't attached to your shoulders!
  • A little soap and water never killed anybody.
  • Bored! How can you be bored? I was never bored at your age.
  • Close the door! You don't live in a barn.
  • You should have that phone surgically implanted in your ear.
  • Do you live to annoy me?
  • If wishes were horses...
  • Well, I haven't figured out how to cook "cold" yet.

Picky Mom

  • I said CLOSE the door, I did not say SLAM it.
  • I'll treat you like an adult when you start acting like one.
  • Don't pick your nose in public.
  • Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been.
  • Don't use that tone with me!
  • Don't walk away when I'm talking to you!
  • Don't you have anything better to do?
  • Are you going out dressed like that?
  • Don't run with a lollipop in your mouth.
  • I don't know is NOT an answer.
  • If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
  • Look at me when I'm talking to you.
  • Now, come back downstairs and go back up WITHOUT stomping your feet!
  • Now, say you're sorry...and MEAN it!
  • Say please.
  • Turn that racket down!
  • Watch your mouth!
  • What kind of a grade is that? You could do much better!
  • You can go out to play...after you brush your teeth and comb your hair.
  • You can go out to play...after you pick up your room.
  • You can go out to play...after you've done your homework.
  • You just ate an hour ago!
  • I don't care what "everyone" is doing. I care what YOU are doing!
  • Pick up your feet.

Suspicious Mom

  • How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tasted it?
  • Do you think this is a hotel? You can't just come here only to sleep.
  • I can't believe you can sleep in this filth!
  • I can't believe you did that!
  • If you don't do it NOW, then when are you going to do it?
  • It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust everyone else.
  • Little pitchers have big ears.
  • What, are you kidding?
  • When will you be back?
  • Where do YOU think you're going?
  • Who are you going with? Do I know them?
  • Who taught you THAT? You didn't learn that in this house!
  • You can't judge a book by its cover.
  • You have an answer for everything, don't you?
  • Are you lying to me?

Threatening Mom

  • Do not make that face or it will freeze in that position.
  • Don't eat that, you'll get worms!
  • Don't go out with a wet head, you'll catch cold.
  • Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again!
  • Don't pick that scab, it'll get infected.
  • Be careful or you will put your eye out.
  • I brought you into this world, and I can take you right back out!
  • If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll...
  • If it were a snake, it would have bitten you.
  • If you donít eat your vegetables, youíll never grow up.
  • Don't sit too close to the television, it'll ruin your eyes.
  • If you don't clean your plate, you won't get any dessert.
  • If you stick your tongue out again it will fall off.
  • If you don't stop crying, I'm going to give you something to cry about!
  • If youíre bored, I can always find something for you to do.
  • Never try on anyone else's glasses or you'll go blind.
  • One day youíll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
  • Only if you eat all your vegetables
  • Over my dead body!
  • Running away? Don't let the door hit you in the rear.
  • Running away? I'll help you pack.
  • Running away? Is that a threat or a promise?
  • Say that again and I'll wash your mouth out with soap.
  • Shut your mouth and eat your supper.
  • You are going to get it when you get home!
  • You had better wipe that smile off your face before I do it for you.
  • Your father is going to hear about this when HE gets home!
  • As long as you live under my roof, you'll do as I say.
  • I'm doing this for your own good.
  • Some day you will thank me for this. SMACK!!
  • You WILL eat it, and you WILL like it!
  • You are getting on my last nerve.
  • I'm going to skin you alive!
  • I've had it up to here with you.
  • Answer me when I ask you a question!
  • Leave your sister (brother) alone!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Impossible Photos - Download Slide Show

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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Motherhood in the Anima Kingdom

Doesn't it bring a tear to your eye and a lump to your throat???

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May 21st Humor Page