Humor Selections for May 19th, 2010

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An Aid to the Pope announced he had good and bad news.

"What's the good news?" The Pope asked.

"We just learned that Jesus has retuned to Earth". The aid said.

"Wow, that incredible.  What a glorious day it is.  What could possibly be bad enough to ruin this news?" asked the Pope.

The aid looked down at his feet and did shuffled about.  "Well you holiness, we just found out he's been in Salt lake City for two weeks...."

Submitted by Dan, Charleston, SC.

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"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward...

..., to the front at the altar," the Preacher said.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays with all his might for Leroy; the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

Submitted by Cathy, Stonington, England

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On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den...

... with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

"How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess.

Her hurried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long but I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner.

On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, "Hoover!" under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, a miracle occurred & Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!"

By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".

"It's the biggest dam I know." he replied.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Letters Of Recommendations For Employees

For the chronically absent: "A man like him is hard to find." "It seemed his career was just taking off."

For the office drunk: "I feel his real talent is wasted here." "We generally found him loaded with work to do."

For an employee with no ambition:

  • "He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
  • "You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
  • "He consistently achieves the standards he sets for himself."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled: "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:

  • "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
  • "All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

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Submitted by Cathy, Stonington, England

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May 17th Humor Page