Humor Selections for March 29th, 2010

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One day while driving home when man realized that it was his daughter's birthday...

.... and -- shock -- he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll".

The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"

"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting.

He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot."

Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.

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There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town...

... which was avoided by all the town folk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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Signs Your Mobile Home Is Haunted...
  • Your can of Skoal mysteriously floats through the air.
  • Blood drips out of your simulated wood paneling.
  • The eyes on the velvet Elvis painting move.
  • The room is spinning, and you're not even drunk yet.
  • That car in your front yard isn't on blocks -- it's levitating by itself.
  • Your dog, Bo, gets sucked into the TV set, and he's blocking your view of rasslin'.
  • That mysterious scratching below the floorboards? The Telltale Raccoon.
  • The chain the ghost rattles is attached to his wallet.
  • You feel an eerie presence every time "Freebird" plays on the radio.
  • The trailer is shaking, but there's no tornado in sight.
  • Your Dale Earndhart bed sheets have eyeholes cut in them.
  • The ghost is completely invisible except for the tobacco juice running down his chin..

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room...

... while his Uncle was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

Uncle listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know!"

Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.

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Pilobolus - Download Video

Submitted by Cathy, Stonington, England

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How to a redneck  with A DUI conviction


Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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March 22nd Humor Page