Humor Selections for June 9th, 2010

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Ten Commandments of Marriage
  • Commandment 1 - Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
  • Commandment 2 - If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
  • Commandment 3 - Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
  • Commandment 4 - Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
  • Commandment 5 - When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
  • Commandment 6 - Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
  • Commandment 7 - Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.
  • Commandment 8 - Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
  • Commandment 9 - Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
  • Commandment 10 - Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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  • The percent of women who wash their hands after leaving a restroom is 80%.
  • The percent of men who wash their hands after using a restroom is 55%.
  • There are 333 toilet paper squares on a toilet paper roll.
  • "Jaws" is the most common name for a goldfish.
  • 2,500 lefties die each year using products designed for righties.
  • Ten tons of space dust falls on the Earth every day.
  • Swimming pools in Phoenix, Arizona, pick up 20 pounds of dust a year.
  • The first message tapped by Samuel Morse over his invention the telegraph was: "What hath God wrought?"
  • The first words spoken by over Alexander Bell over the telephone were: "Watson, please come here. I want you."
  • The first words spoken by Thomas Edison over the phonograph were: "Mary had a little lamb."
  • Every year the sun loses 360 million tons.
  • India has 50 million monkeys.
  • By some unknown means, an iguana can end its own life.
  • Americans spend around $3 billion for cat and dog food a year.
  • Pigs can cover a mile in 7.5 minutes when running at top speed.
  • You breathe about 10 million times a year.
  • The colder the room you sleep in, the better the chances are that you'll have a bad dream.
  • The first non-human to win an Oscar was Mickey Mouse.
  • Lee Harvey Oswald was booked with mugshot number 54018.
  • The Gulf Stream could carry a message in a bottle at an average of four miles per hour.
  • The bulls-eye on a dartboard must be 5 feet 8 inches off the ground.
  • The foot is the most common body part bitten by insects.
  • There are seven points on the Statue of Liberty's crown.
  • The shell constitutes 12 percent of an egg's weight.
  • The world "and" appears 46,277 times in the Bible.
  • Napoleon was terrified of cats.
  • The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger.
  • The human body weighs 40 times more than the brain.
  • A person swallows approximately 295 times while eating dinner.
  • The oldest known vegetable is the pea.
  • The avocado has the most calories of any fruit.
  • The letter "n" ends all Japanese words not ending in a vowel.
  • A scallop has 35 blue eyes.
  • The left leg of a chicken in more tender than the right one.
  • The only dog that doesn't have a pink tongue is the chow.
  • The dumbest domesticated animal is the turkey.
  • The most fatal car accidents occur on Saturday.
  • Goldfish swallowing started at Harvard in 1939.
  • Nondairy creamer is flammable.
  • The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
  • Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for "Lord of the Flies." That's where the book's title came from.
  • There were no squirrels on Nantucket Island, Massachusetts until 1989.
  • The correct response to the Irish greeting, "Top of the morning to you," is "and the rest of the day to yourself."
  • Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., but technically it is Number 47. Until August 7, 1953, Congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit Ohio to the Union.
  • When Saigon fell, the signal for all Americans to evacuate was Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" being played on the radio.
  • The dome on Monticello, Thomas Jefferson's home, conceals a billiards room. In Jefferson's day, billiards were illegal in Virginia.
  • Florida's beaches lose 20 million cubic yards of sand annually.
  • In deep space most lubricants will disappear.
  • The smartest dogs are the Jack Russell terrier and Scottish border collie. Dumbest: Afgan hound.
  • The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
  • Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country cottage...

... a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip however, he made his approach down the airport runway as usual.

Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here without wheels!" The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster.

Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"

And with that, he opened the door and stepped out... right into the water.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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The Things That Drive A Sane Person Mad

  • The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
  • There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
  • You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
  • There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
  • You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
  • Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
  • A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
  • There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
  • You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
  • The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
  • A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).
  • You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
  • The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
  • You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
  • People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
  • Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
  • You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
  • You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
  • You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
  • You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle.

At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."

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