Humor Selections for June 21st, 2010

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day...

... and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"

No more problem.

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End of the World Headlines

When the End of the World Arrives How Will the Media Report It?

  • Usa Today: We're Dead
  • The Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends
  • National Enquirer: Jon and Kate, Together Again
  • Microsoft Systems Journal: Apple Loses Market Share
  • Victoria's Secret Catalog: Our Final Sale
  • Sports Illustrated: Game over
  • Wired: the Last New Thing
  • Rolling Stone: the Grateful Dead Reunion Tour
  • Readers Digest: 'Bye
  • Discover Magazine: How Will the Extinction of All Life as We Know it Affect the Way We View the Cosmos?
  • Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 Lbs by Judgment Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet!
  • America Online: System Temporarily Down. Try Calling Back in 15 Minutes.
  • Inc. Magazine: Ten Ways You Can Profit from the Apocalypse
  • Time Magazine: Renew Your Subscription for Eternity

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10 Features of The Company Car
  • Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.
  • Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
  • Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
  • The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
  • It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
  • It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
  • The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
  • Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
  • It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
  • It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Dumb Instructions
  • "Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
  • "Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
  • "Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
  • "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
  • "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
  • "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
  • "Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
  • "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
  • "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
  • "Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
  • "Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
  • "Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
  • "For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
  • "Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
  • "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
  • "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A life-long city man, tired of the rat race...

... decided he was going to give up the urban life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in. As it turned out, his next-door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming ainít easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, Iíll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later, the neighbor dropped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too well. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I canít believe that. Iíve never had any trouble with my chickens. Iíll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by and the neighbor stopped by again. The new farmer said, "Youíre not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died, too."

Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong?"

The new farmer said, "Well, Iím not sure whether Iím planting them too deep or too close together."

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

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Four European Commercials - Download Video

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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June 18th Humor Page