Humor Selections for July 28th, 2010

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Soon after being transferred to a new duty station...

... my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

Submitted by Bill, Judy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Signs you're watching too much TV
  • The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would Dawson Do?"
  • In the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to use a lifeline.
  • You need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out.
  • In the late evening, you look forward to sitting back and catching the latest informercial.
  • If you're a witness to an argument, you instinctually shout, "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"
  • You try to impress the opposite sex by saying, "Hey, I get 120 channels!"
  • Your entire CD collection consists of "Greatest Hits" albums by the decade.
  • You have a gold-plated "clicker."
  • Your intellectual discussions all stem from The Discovery Channel.
  • After 15 minutes of work, you need a two-minute break

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Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty
  • Most people deserve each other.
  • All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.
  • The one who snores will fall asleep first.
  • The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.
  • The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.
  • If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.
  • The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.
  • Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Hello, my name is Quinn, and I'm nine months old.

This is powerful advice for all you babies out there. Parents, please leave now, or you will be punished. Okay, now that the minions are gone, let's get down to business.

Do you feel like you have no control over your life? Do your mommy and daddy make you do and wear things you absolutely hate? Are you at the bottom of your family's power structure? I'm here to tell you that all this can be a thing of the past. By following my ten simple rules, you'll be wearing the diaper and the pants in the family in no time!

Rule #1 - You have absolute power.

Repeat this to yourself on a daily basis. You are the ruler of your universe. Your parents are there to serve you, not the other way around. You have unlimited power over them.

Rule #2 - Cry.

Tears are your biggest asset in your arsenal against your parents. If you don't like something, cry! Parents have absolutely no defense against this wet onslaught. They will do anything to get you to stop. This is especially useful in public places. For maximum effectiveness, increase volume every fifteen seconds.

Rule #3 - Be cute.

This is your number one defense mechanism. You're going to pull a lot of crap most people would never get away with, and your cute factor is the only thing allowing this. Flash a smile, and your parents will go weak in the knees with gushing admiration of your blessed existence, even after you've just broken half the stuff in the house.

Rule #4 - Keep them weak.

I don't care if you have to set an alarm clock for yourself, but you need to wake your parents up at least three times a night. A rested parent is a strong parent, and that means bad news for you. The more weary they are, the more malleable to your intricate plans of global domination.

Rule #5 - Pee on them.

Once out of every ten diaper changes, you should let loose your golden stream of glory. This shows them who's boss, and keeps them on their toes. If you can, aim for the face for maximum effectiveness. At the very least, you should be able to cover yourself as well as a portion of your parent's clothes. This works well for those situations where they've put you in an embarrassing outfit, or they're in a hurry to get somewhere

Rule #6 - Make them carry you.

Do not let them put you down! This is very important. The moment they realize you can get around by yourself, they will no longer want to carry you. If you are put on the ground, see rule #2. Your parents are strong, and there's two of them. They can carry you forever.

Rule #7 - Smack them around a little.

Parents are under the false impression that we have very little control over our arms and legs. Use this to your advantage! Every now and then, just randomly slap them in the face, and then smile and laugh. They may curse a little, but I guarantee no harm will come to you. They are powerless against the smile and laugh combination.

Rule #8 - Women and grandparents love babies.

Capturing this key demographic can bring you joys beyond your wildest expectations. Toys, food, and attention can all be yours when you manipulate this segment of the population. Gramps will even let you watch the Spice channel if nobody else is around!

Rule #9 - Siblings exist for your amusement.

Your brothers and sisters are the court jesters in your vast kingdom. They are there for your personal entertainment, and nothing more. Laugh at their crazy antics, but the moment they get out of line with that "the baby gets all the attention" crap, pull their hair. One word of warning though. Make sure a parent is nearby when you do this, as siblings are immune to your cute defense mechanisms. Be sure to cry, so your parent is alerted to your mortal danger.

Rule #10 - No private time.

This is perhaps the most important rule of them all. Do not let your parents have private time! If you hear these evil words uttered, alarms should go off in your head. Nothing good can come from private time. At the very least, private time rejuvenates them, making them more resistant to your powers. And in the worst possible scenario, private time could lead to a new baby replacing you as the ruler of the house! This event needs to be stopped at all costs!

That's it, troops. Follow these simple rules and you should have a long and fruitful reign as ruler of your household.

You have the power!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Longboarding - Sounds like a morally flexible system of questioning employed by a secret service to get 'compliance' out of unfortunate souls. In fact it's something altogether more terrifying. It's a form of skateboarding -- essentially a surfboard with wheels -- that picks up ludicrous amounts of speed.

Fancy seeing it in action? Well a group of diehard longboarders have released footage of themselves risking life and limb speeding past lorries at Bombay Hills, near Pukekohe in New Zealand.

Vancouver-based rider Andrew Chapman made the video, which shows six riders on one of the country's busiest stretches of road, State Highway 1, south of Auckland.

The camera, attached to Chapman's helmet, records the rider gathering speed, passing three others, and moving into the left lane to overtake a truck at more than 60mph.

Cops in Auckland described their actions as "incredibly stupid" and "idiotic," according to reports.

Superintendent John Kelly said: "What concerns me is the speed they get up to and the lack of control they have. They've got no brakes. If something goes wrong in front of them, they're terribly exposed to risk."

One daring skate refuted the claim. Jestah Carnie, who has been longboarding since he was 11, said it was the first time he had ridden the 2.5km route but it was a "very planned, structured event".

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Car imported from the wrong county?

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