Humor Selections for July 12th, 2010

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A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village.

An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

And the moral of this story is: ......... Know where you're going in life... You may already be there.

Submitted by Cathy, Stonington, England.

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Creative Puns for Educated Minds
  • The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was - Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  • I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, - but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
  • She was only a whisky maker, - but he loved her still.
  • A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class - because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  • The butcher backed into the meat grinder - and got a little behind in his work.
  • No matter how much you push the envelope, - it'll still be stationery.
  • A dog gave birth to puppies near the road - and was cited for littering.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France - would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • Two silk worms had a race. - They ended up in a tie.
  • Time flies like an arrow. - Fruit flies like a banana.
  • A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. - The police are looking into it.
  • Atheism - is a non-prophet organization.
  • Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. - One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
  • I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.- Then, it hit me.
  • A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, - 'Keep off the Grass.'
  • A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. - His grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
  • A chicken crossing the road - is poultry in motion.
  • The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison - was a small medium at large.
  • The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray - is now a seasoned veteran.
  • A backward poet - writes inverse.
  • In democracy, it's your vote that counts. - In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
  • When cannibals ate a missionary, - they got a taste of religion.
  • Don't join dangerous cults: - Practice safe sects.
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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A letter form a son at school to his father ...

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,Your $on.

A week later....the response from Dad arrived:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Random Thoughts
  • I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
  • Few things are worse than that moment during an argument when you realize youíre wrong.
  • I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take two trips to bring my groceries in.
  • I think part of a best friendís job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  • I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
  • Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  • I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
  • You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when youíve made up your mind that you just arenít doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
  • I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. Whatíd you do after I didnít answer? Drop the phone and run away?
  • Sometimes I will look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

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A technical description of the Entabulator - Download Video

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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