Humor Selections for Dec 20th, 2010

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Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas Tree.

They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them.

When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to look at it.

"Well, Paddy, What do you think?"

"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one."

They come upon another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it.

"How about this one, Paddy?"

"Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking."

This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and hungry.

"Well, Paddy, what do we do now?"

"Shaun, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The first Christmas joke of the season ...

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities For All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!

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Dedicated to Everyone with a Home Workshop
  • DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal stock bar out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
  • WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingernails and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Yeouw…’
  • ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original target object.
  • SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
  • PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
  • BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.
  • HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion; the more you attempt to influence its course the more dismal your future becomes.
  • VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads . If nothing else is available, they can be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
  • WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to then palm of your hand.
  • OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for putting various flammable objects in you shop on fire. Also handy for igniting grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
  • WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ inch socket you’ve been searching for for the last 45 minutes.
  • TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
  • Used for, lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle under the bumper.
  • EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upwards off a trapped hydraulic handle.
  • TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
  • E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: a tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
  • RADIAL ARM SAW: a large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
  • TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: a tool for testing the maximum the tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
  • CRAFTSMAN ½ X 24 INCH SCREWDRIVER: a very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurate machined screwdriver tip opposite the handle.
  • AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
  • TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, the ‘sunshine vitamin’, which is not otherwise found under card at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40 watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used, say during the first few hou4rs of the battle of the bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base has been rendered permanently useless, unless requiring a source of 117v ac power to shock the mechanic.
  • PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oilcans so that oil can splash your shirt, but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
  • STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
  • AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it intro compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
  • HOSE CUTTER: a tool used to make hoses too short.
  • PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove In order to replace a 50 cent part.
  • HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to object you are trying to hit.
  • MECHANICS KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, MP3 discs, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing chunks of human flesh from the users hands.
  • DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lots of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘DAMMIT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool you will need after a really big hammer.
Submitted by Lindsay!  Melbourne Australia

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As scientists and concerned citizens...

... we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We therefore propose that the following list of warnings appears on every product offered for sale in the United States.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

  • If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka .

  • If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
  • If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
  • If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..
  • If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
  • If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
  • If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

  • Spending it at car boot sales, or
  • Going to night clubs, or
  • Spending it on prostitutes, or
  • Beer or whisky or
  • Tattoos.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night! No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Karma - it all comes back to you - Download Video

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!

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Keep your camera handy, you never know when a great snap shot opportunity will happen!!!!


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Dec 17th Humor Page