Humor Selections for Dec 17th, 2010

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Father Christmas: An Engineer's Perspective

  1. There are approximately 2 billion children in the world. Since Santa does not visit Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist children, this reduces the workload to 15 per cent of the total, or 378 million. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes.
  2. Thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, Santa has about 31 hours to work with. This works out to 967.7 visits per second and a total trip of 75.5 million miles. So Santa's sleigh has to move at 650 miles per second.
  3. Assuming that each child gets only a medium-sized Lego set (2lb), the sleigh is carrying more than 500,000 tons. A reindeer can pull no more than 300lb. Even if the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times that, Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload another 54,000 tons.
  4. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each; they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa would be subjected to a centrifugal force of 17,500 Gs. A 250lb Santa (which seems ludicrously light) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015lb of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs.
  5. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas Tree.

They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them.

When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to look at it.

"Well, Paddy, What do you think?"

"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one."

They come upon another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it.

"How about this one, Paddy?"

"Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking."

This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and hungry.

"Well, Paddy, what do we do now?"

"Shaun, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
  • Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
  • Someone call the janitor we're going to need a mop.
  • Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!
  • Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
  • Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
  • Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie.
  • Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
  • Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
  • Darn, there go the lights again...
  • You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them.
  • Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
  • Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
  • What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
  • Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
  • This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
  • Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?
  • Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.
  • What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
  • She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

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Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride...

... every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

Jill replied, "It's in here with me."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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During the historic first manned mission to Mars...

.. two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface. "Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. They followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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How many church people does it take to change a light bulb?
  • Roman Catholics: None - They use candles.
  • Pentecostals: Ten - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
  • Presbyterians: None - God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
  • Episcopalians: Eight - One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
  • Mormons: Five - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
  • Unitarian Universalists: We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about you personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
  • Baptists: At least 10 - One to change the light bulb, a committee to approve the change. Oh, and also provide a casserole.
  • Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.
  • Methodists: 10 - One to change the bulb. Nine to attack the preacher, because someone's grandmother gave that bulb to the church!!

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This years Christmas Cartoons - Part 1


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Dec 15th Humor Page