Humor Selections for Dec 10th, 2010

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Given the recent barrage of terrorism and homeland security concern reports...

... below is synopsis of the security threat level adjustments made by some other nations of note.

  • The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from 'miffed' to 'peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'irritated' or even 'a bit cross'. The English have not been 'a bit cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'tiresome' to 'a bloody nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'bloody nuisance' warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish armada.
  • The Scots have raised their threat level from 'pissed off' to 'let's get the bastards'. They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
  • Italy has increased the alert level from 'shout loudly and excitedly' to 'elaborate military posturing'. Two more levels remain: 'ineffective combat operations' and 'change sides'.
  • The Germans have increased their alert state from 'disdainful arrogance' to 'dress in uniform and sing marching songs'. They also have two higher levels: 'invade a neighbor' and 'lose'.
  • Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual. The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out  out of Brussels.
  • The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
  • Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'.
  • New Zealand has raised its security levels - from 'baaa' to 'baaaa'. Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is 'I hope Australia will come and rescue us'.
  • Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from 'no worries' to 'she'll be alright, mate'. Three more escalation levels remain 'crikey!', 'I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend' and 'the Barbie is canceled'. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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Old Farmer's Advice
  • "Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong."
  • "Keep skunks and bankers at a distance."
  • "Life is simpler when you plow around the stump."
  • "A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor."
  • "Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled."
  • "Meanness don't just happen overnight."
  • "Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads."
  • "Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you."
  • "It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge."
  • "You cannot unsay a cruel word."
  • "Every path has a few puddles."
  • "When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty."
  • "The best sermons are lived, not preached."
  • "Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway."
  • "Don 't judge folks by their relatives.
  • "Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer."
  • "Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time."
  • "Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none."
  • "Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance."
  • "If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'."
  • "Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
  • "The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'."
  • "Always drink upstream from the herd."
  • "Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment."
  • "Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in."
  • "If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around."
  • "Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God."
  • "Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you."
Submitted by Frank, Placerville, CA

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One liners or maybe two

  • Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".

  • There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
  • I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."
  • My wife was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists. They performed unspeakable acts on her.
  • Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us, she fell at my feet and I thought these taser guns are well worth the money.
  • News: 'Boy George's reptile bites 5 people in one day.' He needs a calmer chameleon.
  • Sir Alex Ferguson had an 80's themed party for his Man Utd players, Giggs arrived in a cavalier, Scholes in a sierra and Rooney chose to come in an Escort
  • Did you hear about the morning-after pill for men? It changes your blood group.
  • I just booked a Chinese Journey tribute act to sing at my funeral - All together now "Don't stop bereaving!"
  • Did you hear about the guy who works for the bicycle company? He's their SPOKESPERSON!
  • Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell station
  • Where do cows eat lunch? The calf-a-teria
  • Did you hear about the new Titanic light beer: it goes down really smoothly.
  • Why did the lawyer cross the road? To sue the chicken on the other side.
  • What's in a clean nose? Fingerprints.
  • "Quote" A wise man doesn't play leapfrog with a unicorn

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New Proverbs for the New Millenium
  • Home is where you hang your @.
  • The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
  • A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
  • You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
  • Great groups from little icons grow.
  • Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
  • In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
  • Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
  • Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
  • The modem is the message.
  • Too many clicks spoil the browse.
  • The geek shall inherit the earth.
  • Don't byte off more than you can view.
  • Fax is stranger than fiction.
  • What boots up, must come down.
  • Windows will never cease.
  • Virtual reality is its own reward.
  • Modulation in all things.
  • Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
  • There's no place like your homepage.
  • he who laughs last ... probably has a Mac!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest.

At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the . . . in a sensitive area."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Look at the  camels first and then read the message below...

This is a picture taken from directly above these camels in the desert at sunset. It is considered to be one of the best pictures of the year. When you look closely, you can see that the camels are the little white lines in the picture. The black images you see are just the shadows!

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Dec 8th Humor Page