Humor Selections for April 19th, 2010

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I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a drivers manual.

On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver's permit.

"Oh," she said, "I already know everything in the book."

"You do?" I returned.

"Yep", she said, very smugly.

I thought, "OK, we'll just see about that. I'll give her a hard one."

So I asked her, "How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?"

"One," she replied.

"What?" I asked. "One?!"

She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added. . .

"Only one, Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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While I was working in the men's section of a department store...

... a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."

Submitted by Alica, Waynesboro, Pa.

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Real Teachers
  • Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's.
  • Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.
  • Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.
  • Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day.
  • Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
  • Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
  • Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.
  • Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders.
  • Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals.
  • Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.
  • Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.
  • Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.
  • Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Little girls are the nicest things that can happen to people....

They are born with a bit of angelshine about them, and though it wears thin sometimes,
there is always enough left to lasso your heart,
even when they are sitting in the mud, or crying temperamental tears,
or parading up the street in Mother's best clothes. .

A little girl can be sweeter (and badder) oftener than anyone else in the world.
She can jitter around, and stomp, and make funny noises that frazzle your nerves,
yet just when you open your mouth,
she stands there demure with that special look in her eyes.
A girl is Innocence playing in the mud,
Beauty standing on its head, and Motherhood dragging a doll by the foot...

God borrows from many creatures to make a little girl.
He uses the song of a bird, the squeal of a pig, the stubbornness of a mule,
the antics of a monkey, the spryness of a grasshopper, the curiosity of a cat,
the speed of a gazelle, the slyness of a fox, the softness of a kitten,
and to top it all off, He adds the mysterious mind of a woman.

A little girl likes new shoes, party dresses, small animals, first grade, noisemakers,
the girl next door, dolls, make-believe, dancing lessons, ice cream, kitchens,
colouring books, make-up, cans of water, going visiting, tea parties, and one boy.
She doesn't care so much for visitors, boys in general, large dogs, hand-me-downs,
straight chairs, vegetables, snowsuits, or staying in the front yard.

She is loudest when you are thinking, the prettiest when she has provoked you,
the busiest at bedtime, the quietest when you want to show her off,
and the most flirtatious when she absolutely must not get the best of you again.
Who else can cause you more grief, joy, irritation, satisfaction, embarrassment,
and genuine delight than this combination of Eve, Salome, and Florence Nightingale?

She can mess up your home, your hair, and your dignity,
She can spend your money, your time, and your patience
and just when your temper is ready to crack,
her sunshine peeks through and you've lost again.
Yes, she is a nerve-wracking nuisance, just a noisy bundle of mischief.

But when your dreams tumble down and the world is a mess,
when it seems you are pretty much a fool after all,
she can make you a king or queen when she climbs on your
knee and whispers, "I love you best of all!"

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY

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April 16th Humor Page