Humor Selections for April 16th, 2010

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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners...

... and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries my golf bag while we walk?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.

A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.  The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," chuckled the veteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!"

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Butler basketball team under investigation

-Butler's run in the NCAA Men's Basketball National Championship Game may be tarnished after reports surfaced today that all 13 players on the roster are being given good educations in an effort to help them find good jobs after they leave the school. "It's important to remember that right now these are only allegations -- allegations that we are looking into," said NCAA president James Isch.

"But, obviously, if true, this would be very disappointing. The NCAA has certain expectations and standards. It's not fair for players at one school to be given good educations while athletes at other member schools receive basic, remedial instruction that is worth essentially nothing." According to documents seized from the school's registrar's office, Butler players have received an education worth $38,616 per year totaling more than $150,000 over a four-year career.

Compare that to player at a school like Kentucky , where tuition is set at $4,051 -- but with an actual value far below that. "We don't want to say too much until these reports are confirmed," said Kentucky head basketball coach John Calipari. "But we're talking about almost $140,000 difference in education per player -- and that's even if my players stayed four years or graduated, which many of them do not. Then these Butler players are reportedly stepping into good jobs after graduation while my kids, if they don't make the NBA, have absolutely no job prospects or life skills. It's far from a balanced playing field. They are buying the best players by giving them a high-priced education."

In addition to the allegations that they were given an expensive education, many Butler players have been spotted around campus holding books, studying and engaging in interesting conversations. Others have been seen with people who are known to not be tutors. Butler point guard and Kentucky native Ronald Nored, who is reportedly a secondary education major, denied allegations that the Bulldog program is cheating. "The discourse on this matter is fatuous and inane," he said, implicating the program further.

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

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Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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The Ambitious Cornflake.

Forrest: Once there was a cornflake. It sat in the bottom of a box of cornflakes on a shelf in the grocery store. But this was an ambitious cornflake; it wanted to be the top cornflake in the box. So it started to climb. It pushed and struggled and fought its way past the other cornflakes, one by one. It was halfway up in the box when someone...

Helmut (pointing): Greta?

Forrest: ...when Greta here came along and picked up the cornflakes box. She wanted to see if the box was full, so she gave it a good shake. The ambitious little cornflake fell all the way back down to the bottom of the box! But it didn't give up. It climbed and climbed and climbed, and was almost all the way to the top when Greta, who'd decided to buy the box --

Greta: Hey! I don't even like cornflakes!

Forrest: ...when Greta slammed the box down on the checkout counter at the store. The cornflake fell all the way back down to the bottom of the box. But it still didn't give up! It climbed and climbed and climbed and climbed and --

Greta: Get on with it.

Forrest: And finally was just about to reach the very top of the box, when Greta poured it out into a bowl and ate it.

Greta: Good riddance. Can we --

Forrest: But it was reincarnated! As a Wheatie. Now, this Wheatie lived at the bottom of a box of Wheaties®, on a shelf in a supermarket. And it was a very ambitious Wheatie. Its one dream was to get to the top of the box of Wheaties. So it climbed and climbed and climbed and was almost halfway to the top when Helmut came along and knocked the box off the shelf.

Greta: Meanie.

Forrest: And the ambitious little Wheatie fell down to the bottom of the box. But that didn't stop it. It just started climbing again. [...more of the same elided...] And it was just about to reach the top of the box when Helmut reached in and pulled it out and ate it.

Helmut: Yum.

Forrest: But it was reincarnated! As a Cheerio. It was a very ambitious Cheerio --

Greta: Stop it! Doesn't this story ever end???

Forrest (grinning hugely): Of course not! It's a cereal!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Getting maximum use out of your vehicle



Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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April 14th Humor Page