Humor Selections for September 11th 2009

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The home-owner was delighted with the way the painter...

... had done all the work on his house.

"You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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The Vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium......

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place...."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The Vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.......

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!

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Really bad pickup lines
  • Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.
  • Can I borrow that quarter, ícause my mom told me to call home when I fell in love.
  • Whatís wrong? Youíre looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me.
  • Are your legs tired? ícause you been running through my mind ALL day long.
  • Are you lost? ícause itís so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.
  • Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?
  • Can I see that lable? I just wanted to know if you were made in heaven.
  • Do you like raisins? How about a date?
  • Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
  • Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes.
  • Hi, my nameís _____, but you can call me "lover".
  • Could I borrow a quarter? ícause I just want to call your mother and thank her.
  • Hi, my name is _____, how do you like me so far?
  • (At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?
  • You look like the type of girl thatís heard every line in the book. So whatís one more?
  • Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
  • Iím new in townÖcould you give me directions to your apartment?
  • I think youíre the most beautiful girl Iíve seenÖon a Wednesday
  • I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?
  • I know I donít look like much now, but Iím drinking milk.
  • Are you religious? Good, cause Iím here to answer your prayers.
  • Why donít you drop the zero and get with the hero
  • Inheriting 80 million doesnít mean much when you have a weak heart.
  • I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?
  • If your parents hadnít met, Iíd be a very unhappy man right now.
  • I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
  • You can forget about going to heaven because itís sin to look that good.
  • We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why donít you just come along peacefully?
  • I envy your lipstick.
  • I just want to be loved - is that so wrong?
  • You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi - Iíve just gotta have it.
  • Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what Iím here after.
  • If I had eleven roses and you, Iíd have a dozen.
  • Baby, you look so sweet youíre giving me a cavity.
  • Is it me or am I gorgeous?
  • Iíd even marry your dog just to be related to you.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Everyday's Golfing Smiles

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game. "You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?" "Five," answered the nephew. "Okay," my brother said, "let's go."

  • Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
  • Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
  • An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
  • Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
  • Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
  • Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.
  • The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Pakistan Roadside Assistance - Download Video

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!

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Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia!

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Sept 9th Humor Page