Humor Selections for October 2nd, 2009

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Top Ten Reasons You Need a Vacation from Your Dogs
  • When your spouse's shocked voice shouts from the shop, "Honey, come quick, I've had a terrible accident!", you show up breathless with a mop and scent neutraliser.
  • You wake panicked in the middle of the night when you sense you suddenly have room to move your body around the bed.
  • You can't sleep unless you hear lots of heavy breathing in your bedroom
  • The emergency number on your speed dialler is for the dog's veterinarian.
  • When someone taps you on the shoulder, you tell them firmly, "Off!", then "Down!".
  • When tempers flare among your family members, you pull out the long forefinger, pointedly raise your voice and shout "Go to your crates, now!"
  • When someone asks what's for dinner you automatically reply, "Kibbles and Bits".
  • When you are walking a ring around the local park and someone points at you and your dog, you raise both arms over your head, whoop and go looking for a ribbon.
  • When shopping, your best friend asks you what you think of that snappy suit in the window, and you scowl and mutter, "Useless, it is the same colour as my dog and it has no pockets."
  • When your neighbour points to her crawling infant and asks you what you think of her new baby, you study it for a minute and reply, "Well, a little short on coat and long in the hock, but that kid has a great top line!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

  • The survey was a failure because of the following:
  • In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
  • In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
  • In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
  • In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
  • In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
  • In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
  • In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
  • In Australia, they hung up, because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!

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Old computer terms
  • Bit: a word used to describe computers, as in "our son's computer cost quite a bit."
  • Boot: what your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
  • Bug: what your eyes do after you stare at the big mean computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.
  • Chips: the fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
  • Copy: what you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
  • Cursor: what you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "you $#% computer!"
  • Disk: what goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seventeen hours at a clip.
  • Dump: the place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.
  • Error: what you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."
  • Expansion unit: the new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
  • Floppy: the condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see chips").
  • Hardware: tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
  • IBM: the kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
  • Menu: what you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
  • Monitor: often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.
  • Programs: those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.
  • Return: what a lot of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.
  • Terminal: a place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
  • Window: what you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient...

..., "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

"My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

"So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

"But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.

One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us."

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Rain - Download Video

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Quick Fixes

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Sept 28th Humor Page