Humor Selections for Nov 4th 2009

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An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen...

... when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

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What The Job Ad Says; What It Means
  • Ground floor opportunity - Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
  • Progressive company -  Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday
  • Team player - Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities
  • Upbeat personalities - Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
  • Word processing skills essential - There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
  • Public Relations Receptionist, Professional appearance important - $20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe
  • Salary range $24K to $32K - The salary is $24K
  • Will train - Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem
  • BA required, MA preferred - Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary
  • Civil service - This job was filled from the inside six months ago

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Observations on Growing Older
  • Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them ...but your grandchildren are perfect!
  • Going out is good. Coming home is better!
  • When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"
  • When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything ... movies, hotels, flights.
  • You forget names ... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
  • The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
  • You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ... especially golf.
  • Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
  • The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.
  • Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
  • Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
  • You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married ... Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
  • You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
  • When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ... were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
  • You use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?" ???
  • Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
  • Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M week it will be 8:30 P.M.
  • You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
  • Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
  • What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
  • Everybody whispers.
  • Now that your husband has retired ... you'd give anything if he'd find a job!
  • You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never wear.
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef.

The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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More Funny Signs
  • At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
  • In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
  • On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"
  • On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
  • In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
  • In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
  • In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
  • In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
  • In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
  • On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
  • On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, and workmanship."
  • At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
  • On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
  • In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
  • In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
  • In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
  • In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
  • On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
  • Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
  • In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
  • In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
  • In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
  • On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
  • On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
  • On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
  • Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
  • And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign."

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

"The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big boobs."

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!  (And its only becasue he's a former Mayor can we get away with this joke!)

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Nov 2nd Humor Page