Humor Selections for Nov 30th 2009


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A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college...

... and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree."

The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!"

The rich man said, "An honorary degree for my *horse*."

"For your horse???"

"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."

"But . . . we can't give a degree to a *horse*!"

"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another educational institution."

"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "Let me consult with the school's trustees."

A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief -- except the oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep.

One trustee snorted, "We can't give a *horse* an honorary degree -- no matter HOW much money is involved."

The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."

The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"

"Of course not, " the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail
  • Itís so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
  • The economy is so bad that CEOís are now playing miniature golf.
  • The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds" you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
  • The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
  • The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
  • The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their childrenís names.
  • The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
  • The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting..
  • The economy is so bad Motel 6 wonít leave the light on anymore.
  • The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
  • The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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The General went out to find that none of his GIs were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the GI, "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Computa-holic 12-Step Program
  • I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
  • I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
  • I will get dressed before noon.
  • I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
  • I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
  • I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
  • I will read a book...if I still remember how.
  • I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
  • I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
  • I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
  • I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
  • Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Rummaging through her attic one day...

..., my friend Carol found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.

"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mom added....

"And, Carol?"

"Yes, mom?"

"Call them first and let them know you're coming."

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.
 

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This mouse diced with death when it tucked into the lunch of a hungry leopard.

Seemingly unaware of the beast towering over it, the mischievous rodent grabbed at scraps of meat thrown into the African Leopard's enclosure.

But instead of pouncing on the tiny intruder the 12-year-old leopard, called Sheena, appeared to be afraid of the daring mouse and kept her distance.

At one stage she tried to nudge the mouse away with her nose, but the determined little chap carried on chewing away until he was full.

Excuse me? A perturbed Sheena the leopard looks on as a cheeky mouse nibbles her food at the Santiago Rare Leopard Project in Hertfordshire...

The extraordinary scene was captured by photography student Casey Guttering at the Santiago Rare Leopard Project in Hertfordshire.

The 19-year-old, from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire, who was photographing the leopard for a course project, was astounded by the mouse's behaviour.

He said: 'I have no idea where the mouse came from - he just appeared in the enclosure after the keeper had dropped in the meat for the leopard.

'He didn't take any notice of the leopard, just went straight over to the meat and started feeding himself.

'But the leopard was pretty surprised - she bent down and sniffed the mouse and flinched a bit like she was scared.

'In the meantime the mouse just carried on eating like nothing had happened.

...but even a gentle shove does not deter the little creature from getting his fill... 

'It was amazing, even the keeper who had thrown the meat into the enclosure was shocked - he said he'd never seen anything like it before.'

Project owner Jackie James added: 'It was so funny to see - Sheena batted the mouse a couple of times to try to get it away from her food.

'But the determined little thing took no notice and just carried on.'  Sheena was brought in to the Santiago Rare Leopard Project from a UK zoo when she was just four months old. She is one of 14 big cats in the private collection started by Jackie's late husband Peter in 1989.

...so the mouse continued to eat the leopard's lunch and show the leopard who was boss.
 

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